This week’s transfer rumours have an air of inevitability about them. You might even say that they reek of deja vu right across the board. Let’s start South of the Border this week where the BIG MONEY is.

Premier League clubs have been warned by their paymasters at Sky Sports that the Transfer Window isn’t nearly exciting enough yet and have been sent scrabbling around looking for big money moves that will create appropriately sized stains on Jim White’s trousers.

Manchester United want to sign Cristiano Ronaldo. But then, so does everybody. That one seems unlikely to happen despite reports of a bust up between the golden god and Rafa Benitez, whose resemblance to René from ‘Allo ‘Allo grows stronger by the day. A move for Zlatan Ibrahimovic though? Sure, why not.

Alan Pardew isn’t quite finished breaking Geordie hearts quite yet. He’s interested in bringing Fabricio Coloccini to Selhurst Park. Newcastle have bought (supposedly) 20 year old Chancel Mbemba from Anderlecht this season but the 33 year old moving on would leave them incredibly short at the back.

One player they might bring in is Hull Tigers’ James Chester, the defender is now worth £2million less than the frankly absurd £10million Steve Bruce was quoting at the end of the season, but the Magpies will have to fight to the death in a Colosseum made of yellow ties with Palace, Villa, Leicester, West Brom and Southampton.

Chelsea are continuing their transfer policy of finding young players they can sell on after a year by pursuing Everton’s John Stones. The 21 year old is Jose Mourinho’s top target and he believes that he can tempt him to Stamford Bridge by lying to him about his playing time. Fear not though Everton fans. Stones moving on might pave the way for our friend Virgil van Dijk to finally get a move to the Premier League.

Just when you though it might not work out for poor ol’ Virgil, things are starting to look up.

It’s not all good news for Celtic fans though (who obviously just want what’s best for Virgil at this point). They are being linked with a £2million striker which is setting off alarm bells all over the East End of Glasgow. Their last few £2million strikers including Amido Balde and Transfer Nonsense favourite Stefan Scepovic have been complete disasters and the Bhoys will be hoping that Den Haag’s Michiel Kramer, who has just rejected a move to the UAE (always a good sign), bucks the trend.

And finally… anyone who dreamt of seeing a Shaun Maloney/Didier Drogba dream team have had their hopes dashed as the Ivorian’s rights have been acquired by Montreal Impact from Chicago Fire. There’s always next season. The dream lives on. See you next week.

Michael Park
According to Vanity Fair, Michael Park is "The Internet's Most Thoughtful Hipster".

He is the editor of this fine site and a regular on the Scottish Comedy FC Podcast despite refusing to go anywhere near Owen's house.

He supports Kilmarnock and is a comedian to no-one but himself.


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