The inevitable transfer window lull is in full swing as the season starts and most clubs realise that bringing in new faces would probably be a mistake. However, there are a few moves in the offing which could kickstart the transfer merry-go-round again.

Rangers’ summer signing Andy Halliday doesn’t know what a twin is. After referring to his friend Scott Allan as the twin he never had, he went on to list a number of reasons, like them being 23, midfielders, being born five weeks apart, lived nearby, both supported the Ibrox club… oh, wait. But they’re not genetically identical so perhaps them being twins isn’t a good enough reason for a transfer.

Still, Rangers will keep knocking at Rod Petrie’s door with progressively larger novelty cheques until they capitulate and allow Allan to leave. Yawn.

Every week we lament the fortunes of Virgil van Dijk. So desperate is he to secure a move to the Barclays Premier League (the best league in the world™) that he has now taken to waltzing through Ladbrokes Premiership (another league in the world™) matches with effortless ease, leading former Celtic strikers to shout from the rooftops about how he’s worth £20million – and with Raheem Sterling being worth £49million – who are we to argue?

Even wee Gordy Strachan thinks that Van Dijk is better than most defenders in England and Southampton agree with him, having launched an £8million bid for the Dutch defender. Yes, that’s the same bid they’ve been making for months. It’s almost like this stuff’s all made up.

Everton could well be in pole position to take Van Dijk should Chelsea’s interest in John Stones come to anything more than bluster from Jose Mourinho. The Blues are due to increase their bid to a frankly preposterous £30million, which is nice for them.

West Ham are set to offer £12million for Manchester United striker Javier Hernandez who started on the bench against Spurs at the weekend. Like an MP in a brothel, United have been making discreet enquiries about the availability of a young man. That young man is Harry Kane.

Michael Park
According to Vanity Fair, Michael Park is "The Internet's Most Thoughtful Hipster".

He is the editor of this fine site and a regular on the Scottish Comedy FC Podcast despite refusing to go anywhere near Owen's house.

He supports Kilmarnock and is a comedian to no-one but himself.


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