Scottish Comedy FC has acquired the rights to an upcoming best-seller – “The Secret Assistant Manager” – which will tell you what really happens inside Scottish football.
The author has asked us to keep his identity a secret but in coming months he’ll tell it straight from the main man’s mouth, or, technically, straight from the assistant to the main man’s mouth to our correspondent Andy Todd, all about the next chapter of a remarkable 143-year-old story that has spanned the ages. In today’s piece he gives the biggest clue yet about who he is!
Hiya Internet Pals,
Last week I had sad news for the lads. I gathered them together in the canteen but, just as I was about to tell them what happened, the Captain strolls in. He’s late – and he’s stark bollock naked and singing Rod Stewart’s ‘Do Ya Think I’m Sexy’.
“If ya wan’ ma body an ya think ahm sexy come on sugah let me know!”
“Not now, Shagger!” I told him. “This is serious.”
“If ya really need me jus’ reach out an touch me come on honey tell me so!”
He starts thrusting his, erm, ‘vice-captain’ in time with his singing.
“Ah said, if ya wan’ ma BODY an ya think ahm SEXY come on sugah let me KNOW!”
“SHAGGER” I shout.
He stops mid thrust. “Whit?”
“I’ve got bad news,” I said, “we’ve let the Fat Gardener go.”
“Go whur?”
“It’s a figure of speech. He’s moved on to pastures new.”
“He’s on a farm?”
“No,” I said “That was also a figure of speech. He’s going where the grass is greener”.
“Parkheid?”
Good God, give me strength. “Look,” I said, pointing out the window at a stray football left on the pitch, “it’s a ball!” His ears prick up. Thankfully that’s the only part of his body that does. “Shagger fetch!” I cry.
He’s off like a shot. Sometime I think it would be great to be the Captain. No cares. No thoughts. No sense. No clothes. I turn back to the squad and carry on: “It’s sad to see him go even though he’s not been around much lately since his gardening leave. He was always up for a laugh – remember that one time in training when he dropped his shorts and shouted at everyone to kick footballs at his big fat hairy arse. Brilliant. He will be missed”
I’ll never forget the day. Neither will HR. He had a prize for a hole in one. Now I can’t watch golf on TV without flashbacks of the Fat Gardener shouting: “Get in the hole!”.
“Heh, heh, do you know what we call Mr Wenger? We call him ‘Mr Arse!'” says Yankee Doodle Dandy, our new boy from the United States.
Good lad. He’s only been here a week and already he knows the difference between ‘ass’ and ‘arse’. When he arrived at the club he thought football was all about the three T’s – tactics, technique and team work – but he now knows it’s the three B’s – Booze, Burds and Banter! He’ll go far.
Later, after everyone had signed the Fat Gardener’s card, the Boss tells me exactly how much the Fat Gardener was paid. OMG, pals – he was getting £800k a year!
“Blimey, charley” I said, or words similar to those, “I didn’t know flipping gardeners got flipping paid that flipping much”.
The Boss looks at me like I’m an idiot. “He wasn’t a gardener,” said the Boss, “He’s the cheeky chap who used to be have another job here – he was on gardening leave.”
“That’s even flipping worse,” I said “he was flipping getting paid a flipping king’s ransom to cut the flipping grass and he wasn’t even qualified in flipping horticulture! Blimey, love a duck, think how much he’d have got if he knew what he was flipping doing?! The cheeky flipping count.”
What a strange world! A gardener was getting paid more than the Secret Assistant Manager of the most successful team in British football! Some people might think about changing career after hearing that – but not me! I love my job and I’d never change.
However… a Secret Assistant Manager does have to think of the future, and football is such a short career…
Did I ever tell you how much I loved the Beechgrove Garden?
Yer pal,
The Secret Assistant Manager
As Told To Andy Todd.
He’s a part-time comedian and in 2014, he supported Eddie Izzard in ‘Please Don’t Go’, Izzard’s show about Scottish independence and worked with BBC Radio Scotland as a weekly guest on Referendum Tonight.
