Secret-Assistant-Manager-Scottish-Football

Scottish Comedy FC has acquired the rights to an upcoming best-seller – “The Secret Assistant Manager” – which will tell you what really happens inside Scottish football.

The author has asked us to keep his identity a secret but in coming months he’ll tell it straight from the main man’s mouth, or, technically, straight from the assistant to the main man’s mouth to our correspondent Andy Todd, all about the next chapter of a remarkable 143-year-old story that has spanned the ages.

Hiya Pals,

The referee’s a dick! You knows it’s true! He even calls himself Willie!

Sorry pals for the bad language but I’m pure raging about Saturday’s result because the Boss said it was all my fault. It’s not – the ref forgot who he’s supposed to support! I was so mad after the match, I wrote a letter of complaint to his superior at the lodge.

Anyways, the Boss can’t blame me at all. At the start of last week I’d asked the Boss who we were playing and he said “The Bairns”. Now I thought he meant we were playing our youth team, so I told the players to take it easy as the young lads wouldn’t be able to handle big boy’s football. So, on Saturday, you’ll never believe my shock when it turns out we’re not playing our bairns but another team’s bairns instead – and let me tell you now, pals, you should never play with someone else’s bairns! It was horrible. We lost! The lads couldn’t get out of second gear. They were flatter than a Katie Price/Peter Andre duet! Google it pals! You won’t believe your ears.

At the end of the game you should’ve seen the look of shock on the lad’s faces. It was a look that was easy to spot because the Boss had banned beards this week too. Why you ask? Well, what do Ronaldo, Pele and Maradona have in common? Is it endless hours of practice while growing up, a dedication to their craft while training and an innate ability to see things before anyone else? No. It’s that none of them have beards. Beards are for rugby players, weightlifters and female shot putters. While the Boss says beards are a sign of laziness fit only for hobos, tramps and Mathew Kelly from Stars in Their Eyes. The Boss doesn’t want any tramps in this team and he especially doesn’t want anyone who thinks make-up, fog and a wig will turn them into a superstar. The Boss sees things that no one else would spot. That’s why he was a successful trader.

The papers heard about beardgate and made fun of us but don’t judge us on our hairiness judge us on our results! Although not this week’s results. Or last week. Or the week before that, but definitely judge us on the one’s from earlier in the year.  By the way, have you ever seen a sports journalist, they’re all beardy weirdies!

Speaking of beards, this week sees Santa Clause visiting all the good boys and girls. What cracker of a present he has for all of you pals. On Boxing Day the best English manager in Scotland goes head to head with the second best English manager in Scotland – alongside the best secret assistant manager in Scotland, if I do say so myself. I can’t wait!

Merry Christmas!

Yer pal,

The Secret Assistant Manager

Andy Todd
Celtic fan Andrew Todd is the co-author of ‘Jukebook Durie: the best & worst football songs’ – the first book to tell the stories behind the anthems for every team in the UK.

He’s a part-time comedian and in 2014, he supported Eddie Izzard in ‘Please Don’t Go’, Izzard’s show about Scottish independence and worked with BBC Radio Scotland as a weekly guest on Referendum Tonight.

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The Secret Assistant Manager: Who’s The ******* In The Black?!

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