Scottish Comedy FC has acquired the rights to an upcoming best-seller – “The Secret Assistant Manager” – which will tell you what really happens inside Scottish football.
The author has asked us to keep his identity a secret but in coming months he’ll tell it straight from the main man’s mouth, or, technically, straight from the assistant to the main man’s mouth to our correspondent Andy Todd, all about the next chapter of a remarkable 143-year-old story that has spanned the ages.
Hiya Pals,
Christmas is a time for giving (away points to rivals). Christmas is a time for family (arguments) but mostly Christmas is a time for PRESENTS! Some people say “It’s the thought that counts” but if that thought is “This’ll do!” then you need to make more of an effort! I love presents and I want to share with you some of the presents I’m getting for the lads.
The Boss
The Boss is always talking about managing a team in the Champions League. I assume he means this team, why would he go anywhere else? So, I got him a great gift – a copy of Football Manager 2016! I’d love to play Football Manager but, as an Assistant Manager (Secret), it wouldn’t feel right. They should really bring out Assistant Football Manager 2016! My pals can then see exactly what it’s like to be the assistant to the main man. You’ll get to decide what biscuits to have at half time; you’ll learn to stack cones (here’s a wee tip, pals, the pointy end points upwards (it took me months to figure that out, they kept toppling!)); and you’ll learn to say “Yes, boss!” whenever the Boss says something. It’ll be the best game ever!
The Chairman
What do you get the man who has everything? He’s so rich that he doesn’t even carry money on him. I’ve heard that back in his homeland a butler carries his wallet for him. But the Chairman is so careful with money that he only buys one first class plane ticket when he visits us, which is why his butler and his wallet are never here with him. Isn’t that great, pals, he’s always putting the club’s interests before his own!! That’s why this year I’ll get him an extra plane ticket so the butler and the wallet can come too. The Chairman will be so happy when he finds out! At last he’ll be able to spend his own money!
The Vice-Chairman
This was easy. He asked me to sign a stack of blank expenses forms to save him having to pop into the stadium each week. Anything for a pal!
The Captain
The Captain will not be getting a present this year! Last year, he said he was lonely so I invited him to the Secret Assistant Manager’s family Christmas get-together. Big mistake! Not only did I have to explain to him that actually stuffing a turkey with your cock completely misses the point of any subsequent double entendre but, later that night, it wasn’t Santa Claus I saw kissing mommy under the Christmas tree!
The Goalie
He’s been telling everyone for months that it won’t be long before he gets an England top so I’ve arranged a wee surprise for him – a phone call from Roy Hodgson! Roy’s a pal of a pal and was delighted to help. Of course, I had to tell Roy a fib. I had to tell him the Goalie was eight years old and attached to a life support machine in Yorkhill Hospital but, really pals, who hasn’t used the Make-A-Wish Foundation as a cover story to help out a pal? Very few, I imagine!
The Dodger
This was easy. He’s a young lad and he loves his music so he’ll be getting a Sing-Along-A-Frozen DVD because ‘Let It Go’ is what I shout at him every time he tries to dribble and not pass to a team mate! Don’t let it be said this Secret Assistant Manager forgets his duty to subtly motivate and inspire his team.
The Old Striker
A walking stick.
Blue-andowski
A suitcase and a guide to teams in the English Championship. No reason. Just thought he might like it.
Anyways, pals. I don’t know about you, but I really can’t wait for Christmas, as I say to the lads every year: “You should always spend Christmas Day with your family. Unless you have a mistress, then you need good logistics”. However, Christmas isn’t just about presents, I want to end this update on a serious note. It’s important we remember those less fortunate than ourselves. Those who don’t get to spend Christmas Day with families, loved ones or mistresses. Not everyone can celebrate Christmas like we can. So, please, please, please spare a thought for all the lads playing on Boxing Day who have to stay the day before the game in a five star hotel with nothing but a golf spa resort and all you can eat buffet to keep them entertained. It’s the lads earning £20k a night who are the true victims of Christmas.
Yer pal,
The Secret Assistant Manager
As told to Andy Todd.
He’s a part-time comedian and in 2014, he supported Eddie Izzard in ‘Please Don’t Go’, Izzard’s show about Scottish independence and worked with BBC Radio Scotland as a weekly guest on Referendum Tonight.
