Scottish Comedy FC has acquired the rights to an upcoming best-seller – “The Secret Assistant Manager” – which will tell you what really happens inside Scottish football.
The author has asked us to keep his identity a secret but in coming months he’ll tell it straight from the main man’s mouth, or, technically, straight from the assistant to the main man’s mouth to our correspondent Andy Todd, all about the next chapter of a remarkable 143-year-old story that has spanned the ages.
Hiya Internet Pals,
I’m just off the phone to the Boss and I had to rush to the computer to tell you my news – he’s found me a new pal – and a Secret Assistant Manager can never have too many pals! Even better, the Boss said my new pal was coming from one of London’s top clubs. I asked the Boss “Is it an Arsenal player?”
“No,” said the Boss.
“Is it a Chelsea player?”
“No”
“Tottenham?”
“No”
“QPR?”
“No”
“Fulham?
“No”
“Watford?
“No”
“Charlton?
“No”
“Crystal Palace?
“No”
“West Ham?”
“No? Oh, wait a minute, I should know this, is it… Brentford?”
Yes, pals, we’re getting a new pal from one of London’s top 20 clubs! And he’s exactly what our team needs – an experienced ball winning defensive minded midfielder. The Boss is such an expert at the transfer market. Like a Canadian Mountiet, he always gets his man!
Oh – wait a sec. The Boss is phoning me again. He must want me to head to the airport to pick up my new pal. Let me answer it….
….It’s hard for me to write this because my eyes have sprung a leak. Salty teardrops have clogged my keyboard and my shift key is flooded. I’m an emotional wreck. I haven’t cried this much since that film about the boat disaster where a man and a women fell in love – I think it was called Speed 2.
I’m not getting a new pal at all! The Boss told me that my so-called pal from London wanted to join a team which was once great but due to financial mismanagement had fallen on hard times. A team with a foreign chairman who has loads of money to spend. A team which can’t pay for its stadium and can’t afford a reserve team. Let me tell, you it was quite a shock when the Boss said he was signing for Leeds United! What did they have that we didn’t?!
Then, after that bombshell, he hit me with another bombshell. That’s two bombshells in a row! The Dodger has left us! The fans will be devastated. They love him. He has more tricks than Paul Daniels and more feints than a teenage girl at a One Direction concert.
I should know better. I should know by now that football pals are not like puppies: they’re not for life any you can’t throw them in the river in a burlap sack. Instead, football pals are for fixed term contracts with a break option in January and a right to buy in the summer but, knowing that, doesn’t make it any easier.
One minute the Dodger was here, up to his usual tricks, the shimmy, the shammy, the failing to track back and stick to his man, when, next minute, he was gone. Just like that, as the great Tommy Cooper used to say. I think Tommy used to play for us and for Motherwell. He was a legend! (And another wee clue for you there as to who I am – you’ll never guess!).
The last time I saw the Dodger it was the team’s trip to see the new Star Wars film. It was all going well until the Captain dropped his trousers and shouted: “Heh! Heh! Who wanna sees ma lightsabre! An its green too, like! Buzzzzzinnnnng!”
The rest of the night had been great. The Dodger was so happy, well, up until that bit we don’t talk about because it was so sad, yes, you know what I’m talking about: that scene with the guy from Glasgow. I swear, pals, he was going to call Chewbacca a hairy bawbag before nutting Han Solo and downing a bottle of Buckie. What were they thinking – it was River City in space?!
Afterwards the Dodger kept telling everyone that when he grew up he was going to be a Stormtrooper and defeat the evil First Order. It was so sweet – and then he was gone!
When he found out the Dodger was gone, the Dodger’s pal, Fo Sho, couldn’t stop crying. I tried to comfort him by saying that maybe one day the Boss would terminate his contract too but all Fo Sho said was “Fo sho!” before texting me a sad face emoji.
Life, however, must go on. And, while I’ll miss the Dodger, at least I’ve still got my internet pals!
Yer pal
The Secret Assistant Manager
He’s a part-time comedian and in 2014, he supported Eddie Izzard in ‘Please Don’t Go’, Izzard’s show about Scottish independence and worked with BBC Radio Scotland as a weekly guest on Referendum Tonight.
