secret_assistant_manager

Scottish Comedy FC has acquired the rights to an upcoming best-seller – “The Secret Assistant Manager” – which will tell you what really happens inside Scottish football.

The author has asked us to keep his identity a secret but in coming months he’ll tell it straight from the main man’s mouth, or, technically, straight from the assistant to the main man’s mouth to our correspondent Andy Todd, all about the next chapter of a remarkable 143-year-old story that has spanned the ages. You’ll never believe who it is!

Hiya Internet Pals,

It’s been a brilliant week for the “greatest team in history”: we beat our main rivals for the league title!

The Captain was puzzled at first when he heard who we were playing this week. He said: “Why are they our nearest rivals? They’re so far away – it takes me ages to drive to Edinburgh!”

He’s a nice lad, though we think he’s lucky to have a driving licence at all. Rumour has it, he only passed his test after the instructor asked him to read a licence plate that didn’t have a number higher than four.

There was also a bit of a fuss before the match when their manager claimed we had the easiest job in the world because we had loads of cash to spend on players – but he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. We have got loads of cash but it’s really, really, really bloody difficult to spend it.

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Just last week, the Boss identified an attacking midfielder who’d be perfect for us. His name was Pedro and he played for Barcelona. He had a release clause so we only had to pay £21m and he would have been ours. It was chump change for us. A no-brainer and the Chairman backed us 100%.

“Of course I’ll buy him,” said the Chairman, “leave it with me.”

We did. Next day Pedro signed for Chelsea. I phoned the Chairman.

“Vot iz it?” He said in a German accent.

He’s such a laugh – he always pretends to be other people when we phone. He switches to his normal voice when I tell him who I am.

“What happened with Pedro?” I asked.

“It’s disgraceful,” he said, “we had a deal, but, when I told them I’d need 90 days to get my money out of the premium bonds, they pulled the plug! It’s like they expected me to have money there and then!”

I sighed. It was Memphis Depay, Falcao and He Who Shall Not Be Named all over again. Sadly, in this day and age, some clubs can pay instantly because they still keep their cash in current accounts with little or no interest rates – they just don’t know how to save money like our Chairman. He’s the best!

Oh well! Sell the toilet, as they say in France – sell lavee!

I thought the Boss would be disappointed but he said: “It’s not the money that makes this job easy, it’s the opposition.”

And he was right – yesterday’s match was as easy as a 40 year old divorcée in Vicky’s nightclub who’s just discovered wine comes in boxes. My kind of gal!

Get-it-right-upya Mr Opposition Manager – we’re back!

Yer pal,

The Secret Assistant Manager

As Told To Andy Todd

Andy Todd
Celtic fan Andrew Todd is the co-author of ‘Jukebook Durie: the best & worst football songs’ – the first book to tell the stories behind the anthems for every team in the UK.

He’s a part-time comedian and in 2014, he supported Eddie Izzard in ‘Please Don’t Go’, Izzard’s show about Scottish independence and worked with BBC Radio Scotland as a weekly guest on Referendum Tonight.

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The Secret Assistant Manager: The Day We Signed Pedro

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