secret_assistant_manager

Scottish Comedy FC has acquired the rights to an upcoming best-seller – “The Secret Assistant Manager” – which will tell you what really happens inside Scottish football.

The author has asked us to keep his identity a secret but in coming months he’ll tell it straight from the main man’s mouth, or, technically, straight from the assistant to the main man’s mouth to our correspondent Andy Todd, all about the next chapter of a remarkable 143-year-old story that has spanned the ages. In today’s piece he gives the biggest clue yet about who he is!

Hiya Pals,

Unbelievable! What a weekend! Saturday night’s Halloween party was a complete disaster!

Firstly, we wanted to buy costumes for all the players but the Chairman said: “You want to spend money on what?! Over my dead body!” Dead body? He must be dressing as a zombie for a party. But he was right – homemade costumes are much better than anything bought from a shop, so we didn’t spend any money – we made our own!

The lads were brilliant. The Captain went as Harry Potter… at least, I think he was Harry Potter. He ran around naked pointing his genitals at the other players whilst shouting “Expelliamus this!”

The Goalie, on the other hand, was fully clothed. But I don’t think he understood the concept of fancy dress – he wore a full England kit. He said it was the fanciest dress that any Goalie could wear. I must admit he looked very smart. It fitted him perfectly. However, after Sunday’s game, he asked if we could stop the bus on the way home so he could return it to the shop. He said he wasn’t sure he’d need it anymore. I said: “Don’t worry, it won’t be long before you wear it again”.

“Really?” He said, eyes full of hope.

“I know it.” I said, “in fact, I bet you get to wear it again before Christmas!”

“Do you promise?” He said.

“I promise.”

He looked really happy for the first time all day – and much, much happier than when he was coming out for crosses.  He started to hum “Three Lions”.  I tell you what, pals, I can’t wait to tell him that the Christmas party will be fancy dress too! It’ll make his dream come true!

Secondly, the worst part of the party was that the Boss lost his hat. He was dressed as a wizard and he was wearing his special hat, all the lads said it was “magic” because it looked so cool. However, when the party ended, no-one could find it.

“Are you sure you brought it with you?” I said, remembering that time he thought he had it when we played the Premiership team in the cup, but it turned out he’d left it on the bus.

“Of course, I’m sure,” said the Boss, “now get the lads to start searching every room – we have to find it!”

And, of course, after that, the lads didn’t get any sleep at all. We didn’t find the hat and we all turned up at Sunday’s game knackered and without sleep. I can’t even tell you who we played – I was so tired. Any way I’m sure it didn’t matter. We are the greatest team in history after all! Onwards and upwards!

Yer pal,

The Secret Assistant Manager

As told to Andy Todd.

Andy Todd
Celtic fan Andrew Todd is the co-author of ‘Jukebook Durie: the best & worst football songs’ – the first book to tell the stories behind the anthems for every team in the UK.

He’s a part-time comedian and in 2014, he supported Eddie Izzard in ‘Please Don’t Go’, Izzard’s show about Scottish independence and worked with BBC Radio Scotland as a weekly guest on Referendum Tonight.

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