Scottish Comedy FC has acquired the rights to an upcoming best-seller – “The Secret Assistant Manager” – which will tell you what really happens inside Scottish football.
The author has asked us to keep his identity a secret but in coming months he’ll tell it straight from the main man’s mouth, or, technically, straight from the assistant to the main man’s mouth to our correspondent Andy Todd, all about the next chapter of a remarkable 143-year-old story that has spanned the ages.
Hiya Pals,
Every week I think to myself: “What will I talk to my pals about this time?” but, this week, I’m just like the Captain – I haven’t had time to think at all. Can you believe it – this is my third post! I’ve got more stories than the Empire State building. I’ve got so much news to tell you I’m changing my name to Eamonn Holmes. It’s all go, go, go at the world’s greatest club!
By the way, the Captain doesn’t watch Eamonn Holmes in the morning. He says he likes to wake up with a bird. He must be talking about Jackie. Anyways pals, after yesterday’s post, I remembered I had another story to tell you. The Chairman popped into my office on Wednesday. He was looking very peaky. I think he’d received bad news.
“What’s wrong, Mr Chairman? Why’re you looking so down? We’re the greatest team in history with a sound financial footing and a bright, bright future ahead.”
He looked at me and said: “I’ve lost the big case, ma friend!”
“Have you tried phoning the airport? Sometimes it arrives on the next flight?” I suggested.
“No, ma friend, the big tacks case!”
He must mean the case for his drawing pins – nobody calls them tacks in Scotland. He’s funny sometimes with his strange accent. Some people say that you shouldn’t listen to a word the Chairman says but I understand him perfectly. I don’t know why the Boss makes the Chairman write everything down. The Boss can be so insensitive at times!
I told the Chairman that I’d get the lads to look for his case but this didn’t seem to cheer him up. He started crying. Between sobs I could hear:
“EBT…” but I don’t know why he’d be talking about the alien who wants to phone home and “…financial affairs…”
At this point the Captain walked past. He must have heard the Chairman as he asked “Is tha’ when ya shag tha bank manager’s missus?” I ignored him. The Captain has a one track mind and that track leads to a dead-end.
Luckily, out the window of my office, I saw a police car racing past. All blue lights and horns blazing. The Captain was off like a shot. He raced out the stadium to chase the car down the street. He looked so happy. The Chairman just sobbed. “…tell those fokkers I’m not in!”
I’m not sure why he gets so jumpy when he hears the police. It must be his foreign ways. The police in his country aren’t as honest as our lot, you know. I’ve heard they’re letting criminals walk free from prison even if they’ve only got one leg. How crazy is that? They should provide a wheelchair!
I tried to lighten the mood by telling him the old Morecambe & Wise joke about a speeding siren: “He won’t sell many ice creams going at that speed!” I chortled.
He didn’t laugh. He’s too serious. He just kept crying so, I left him to it, and decided to head home for the day.
You’ll never guess what though, pals. On the way out I bumped into a man hanging round the big blue entrance door – it was none other than my new pal, the Fat Shopkeeper from the sports shop down the road! He asked if the Chairman was in as there was something he wanted to give him.
I told him to come back later. Its only November, and this was way too early for Christmas presents. The Fat Shopkeeper looked disappointed but he said it was ok as he’d shortly see the Chairman in the dock. I was happy to hear this because if was talking about docks then they must be friends again as only friends go sailing together!
All is good in the world again – onwards and upwards!
Yer pal,
The Secret Assistant Manager
He’s a part-time comedian and in 2014, he supported Eddie Izzard in ‘Please Don’t Go’, Izzard’s show about Scottish independence and worked with BBC Radio Scotland as a weekly guest on Referendum Tonight.
