Scottish Comedy FC has acquired the rights to an upcoming best-seller – “The Secret Assistant Manager” – which will tell you what really happens inside Scottish football.
The author has asked us to keep his identity a secret but in coming months he’ll tell it straight from the main man’s mouth, or, technically, straight from the assistant to the main man’s mouth to our correspondent Andy Todd, all about the next chapter of a remarkable 143-year-old story that has spanned the ages. In today’s piece he gives the biggest clue yet about who he is!
Hiya Internet Pals,
International week is just like looking in a mirror: it’s time for reflection.
Also it’s time for Secret Assistant Managers to put their feet up – but there was little chance of that last week. The Boss wanted to sit down and discuss how well ‘the greatest team in history’ is doing. However, our conversation didn’t go to plan…
First, we had an argument. I’d raised the issue of player nicknames. Whagfield, our Geordie strike sensation, hates his nickname. He wanted a new one and I’d promised to help. So, I told the Boss that I wanted to call Whagfield ‘Blue-andowski’ as he scores so many goals and, well, blue is my favourite colour and nothing to do with the team at all – you’ll never guess who I am!
But the Boss argued that ‘Blue-andowski’ was too long to be a nickname. Nicknames need to be shorter than the original name. Like Gascoigne & Gazza or Beckham & Becks. The Captain struggles to say his own name, let alone one with more vowels, consonants and funny sounding words than an episode of Countdown.
I was about to respond when the Boss’s mobile phone rang. I didn’t recognise it at first. He’d changed his ringtone. Instead of ‘Only Fools & Horses’ he now had ‘Ferry Across The Mersey’.
By the way, I forgot to mention that we got new mobiles last week. Out went the iPhones and in came state of the art Nokia 3310s. The Chairman must have spent a sizeable sum from the war chest getting us such great devices. Do you know that they’re not available in any shops? Wow! Also it doesn’t have email or internet so the players don’t get distracted but it does have a fantastic game called ‘Snake’. It’s brilliant. My best score is nine in a row.
“Rodders,” said the Boss. He must be talking to Rodney, his agent. Rodney’s brilliant. He’s done more deals than Noel Edmonds. Why would Rodney be phoning?
“Have you sent them my CV?” Asked the Boss. He must have been talking about his Citroen motor.
I couldn’t hear what Rodney said but it sounded like laughter.
“Look, Rodney!” Shouted the Boss. “It’s just like the band Snap! said in their hit song ‘Rhythm Is A Dancer’ – ‘I’m as serious as cancer’. Call them up and get my name on their list!”
The Garage must be full. They can’t get the Boss’s car on the waiting list. I heard Rodney laughing even louder. “You plonker!” Bellowed the Boss “I know they want a Hun for the job – who else could it be but me?” The Boss hangs up.
“Anything I should know about, Boss?” I said, wondering if I’d need to give him a lift home as his car would be in the garage.
“Nothing that concerns you,” snapped the Boss, “and stop listening to my calls!”
Which is good advice. I need to devote all my time and attention to our club and not to listening to other people’s phone calls! Some people say we win games by having more money, better players and superior facilities than everyone else – but that’s not true. We win games by concentrating on our own jobs!
The Boss’s phone rings again.
“Rodney, have I got it?” Rodney says something which I can’t make out. It sounds like “They want Jurgen Klopp”.
“Don’t take no for an answer. Tell them I’m flexible. I’ll even work with their choice of assistant manager!”
It’s nice of the Citroen garage to inform the boss who’ll be working on his motor. I left him to discuss it with Rodney.
Your Pal,
The Secret Assistant Manager
As told to Andy Todd.
He’s a part-time comedian and in 2014, he supported Eddie Izzard in ‘Please Don’t Go’, Izzard’s show about Scottish independence and worked with BBC Radio Scotland as a weekly guest on Referendum Tonight.
