Secret Assistant Manager Scottish Football

Scottish Comedy FC has acquired the rights to an upcoming best-seller – “The Secret Assistant Manager” – which will tell you what really happens inside Scottish football.

The author has asked us to keep his identity a secret but in coming months he’ll tell it straight from the main man’s mouth, or, technically, straight from the assistant to the main man’s mouth to our correspondent Andy Todd, all about the next chapter of a remarkable 143-year-old story that has spanned the ages.

Hiya Internet Pals,

I don’t normally respond to hearsay and rumour, as one is a failed pop band and the other is Bruce Willis’s daughter, but I do take exception to mistruths peddled by so-called ‘experts’ on the Googlenet who claim that ‘the greatest club in history’ is not actually the greatest club in history – who do they think they are?!?!?

These nameless internet dweebs (who’ve probably never kissed their mum never mind a girl) claim the old club was liquidated. That’s just insane. You need to be a real silly billy to say that you can liquidate a club, you don’t liquidate clubs, you liquidate vegetables to make soup. Clubs are not carrots nor are they soups! Heinz doesn’t sell a tin of ‘the greatest club in history’. It’s madness, so it is claiming we’re nothing more than a bowl of Scotch Broth.

Of course we’re the same club. It’s like Spiderman. Tobey McGuire played him in a series of increasingly disappointing films before Andrew Garfield played him in a series of even more disappointing films. They didn’t change the name to Spiderman and Spiderco-man just because the actor changed. It’s the same man. Well, the same half man/half spider.

By the ways, the Captain thinks he’s a superhero. He calls himself Ladies Man. He offered to show me his special power. “Look,” he said, “I kin makes it grow to ten times tha size jus’ by touchin’ it!” but I managed to stop him before he pulled down his trousers.

Anyways, pals, let’s confront this so-called issue head on: are we the same club? Well, do we wear a blue strip? Yes, we most certainly do! And do we still play in the same stadium? Yes, we certainly do! And do we still have a bear as our mascot? Yes we certainly do! We must be the same club.

And, while I admit we don’t have the same manager, nor the same Secret Assistant Manager, nor the same Chairman, nor the same Vice-Chairman, nor the same Captain or play in the same league, that doesn’t make us a different team!

Equally, we might not own our stadium or world class training facilities but that’s for the court to decide. In ALL OTHER WAYS we are exactly the same team. (Except for our corporate structure, official name and legal status). So, see, exactly the same!

And, although we don’t have a single employee who has a contract pre 2012, that’s just the sign of a company with a healthy turnover of staff!

if you don’t believe me ask the SFA or SPFL. I did – and this is what they said: “You’re the greatest club in history. You’ve always been the greatest club in history and, with our help, you always will be.” See, you can’t argue with that either – we’re the same club. You can’t argue with their impartial verdict.

And, just to show how impartial they are, they even arranged for us to play our big rivals in the next round of the cup. They didn’t have to do that. It’s just hassle for them to have a stadium full of 50,000 fans paying money direct to them when they could be using the stadium for 500 fans watching Queens Park instead.

I even asked the Chairman if we’re the same club and he said “Who’s asking? Are they looking for money? They’d better not be looking for money!”

I said “My internet pals are asking and they’re not looking for money they just want to know the truth”.

“In that case,” he said, “as long as they’re not looking for money, I can confirm that we’re definitely 100% the same club and don’t let anyone tell you different (unless they’re looking for money)!”

See, we’re the same club and let’s not hear any more of this nonsense.

So if anyone try’s to argue with you. Remember what I’ve said and hold firm!

Yer pal,

The Secret Assistant Manager

Andy Todd
Celtic fan Andrew Todd is the co-author of ‘Jukebook Durie: the best & worst football songs’ – the first book to tell the stories behind the anthems for every team in the UK.

He’s a part-time comedian and in 2014, he supported Eddie Izzard in ‘Please Don’t Go’, Izzard’s show about Scottish independence and worked with BBC Radio Scotland as a weekly guest on Referendum Tonight.

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The Secret Assistant Manager On Some Kind Of “Old Firm”

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