Scottish Comedy FC has acquired the rights to an upcoming best-seller – “The Secret Assistant Manager” – which will tell you what really happens inside Scottish football.
The author has asked us to keep his identity a secret but he continues to tell it straight from the main man’s mouth, or, technically, straight from the assistant to the main man’s mouth to our correspondent Andy Todd, all about the next chapter of a remarkable 143-year-old story that has spanned the ages.
Hiya Internet Pals,
Do you remember Snubgate? When ‘the Greatest Team in History’ was snubbed by the little ginger who manages Scotland: he didn’t pick our left back for Scotland duty. Well, I’m sorry to say, this week was Snubgate 2 – and, like most sequels (except for the greatest film ever made, Speed 2) this was much, much worse than the first one. This is what happened…
Every week I get the newspapers from our local paper shop. I get The Times for the Boss as he claims its coverage of football is the best and, if he’s going to be a successful manager, he needs to keep up to date with all the new and important football news. However, I’ve read The Times and they only cover English football. What use could that be to him? We play in Scotland. Silly Boss.
I also get a Daily Star for the Captain. He claims he reads it for the crossword. He always takes the paper straight to the loo but the crossword must be too hard for him because he works up quite a sweat in there. He comes out all red-faced with sweaty palms. I said “If you want an real workout you should try Suddoko?” but all he said was “I luv Thai burds, if ya give me ‘er numbah, ah’ll give her a call!.” Sometimes I don’t understand the Captain at all.
I get the Daily Record for myself. I like it when they quote things I’ve said. Sometimes the quotes are so good I don’t even remember saying them. I can be so forgetful at times. Yesterday I was plugging season tickets but I could swear I was painting the downstairs loo for Mrs Secret Assistant Manager all day and she doesn’t let me speak to anyone (or have my tea) until I get my chores done. Oh well, I must have a really dodgy memory.
Anyways, I was looking for my quotes when I noticed that the Daily Record had all the nominees for the Championship player of the year but, of the four nominees, only two were from ‘the Greatest Team in History’! How can that be? We won the league, and the Petrol Head cup and the Scottish Cup (it’s a formality pals, the SFA have arranged a diddy team for us to beat in the final).
Two out of four?! That could only means one thing – two of the lads had been snubbed!!!
I read on, thinking: “They must have at least nominated our two best lads” but, no, they’d even snubbed the right back. A man with more goals than an optimist’s bucket list. He’s a one man goal machine who doesn’t even take penalties like our other goal machine – Blue-andowski. I was raging!
But, that’s not all pals, we were snubbed again… I can barely believe this… It surely can’t be true – there was no Best Assistant Manager of the Year award!!!
Words can not express my fury.
That was me trying to express my fury in words by hitting the keyboard very hard.
I was so angry that I hadn’t even noticed that the Captain had left the loo. He asked to borrow my paper. You know what pals! I told him: “Not only can you borrow it, you can wipe yer arse with it!!”
How dare they not reward all the work I’ve done on the Cone Game? How dare they ignore that time I wore shorts in the dugout? Do they not realise how cold it is to do that! How dare they snub not just me but the work of all assistant managers? If whats his name from They Who Can Not Be Named finds out he’s been snubbed too he’ll flex his perfect six pack and do press-ups all over them!
I was so annoyed I told the lads that they should just snub the rest of the league – and, because they’re good lads, that’s what they did – and that’s why we’ve not won a match in the last two weeks. We were snubbing everyone else – that showed them!
Anywho, Snubgate 2 is over, that’s the league all done. Just like a frustrated arsonist we’re all out of matches. However, we’ve still got one more game – the Scottish Cup Final – and I promise you, pals, to bring you the inside story of the preparation and aftermath of our soon to be famous and inevitable victory. I can tell you now, pals, that trophy has our name on it. It does. The SFA told me last week that if they added it now they’d save £10 at the engravers. We just need to turn up and collect it. It’ll be easy, however, some pals have said that if ‘the Greatest Team In History’ is in the final doesn’t that mean that everyone will know who I am? Well, let me tell you this, pals, there’s two teams in that final, so that means there’s two assistant managers, so, you’ll still never guess who I am!!!!!!
I’m so smart.
The Secret(?) Assistant Manager
As told to Andy Todd.