Scottish Comedy FC has acquired the rights to an upcoming best-seller – “The Secret Assistant Manager” – which will tell you what really happens inside Scottish football.
The author has asked us to keep his identity a secret but in coming months he’ll tell it straight from the main man’s mouth, or, technically, straight from the assistant to the main man’s mouth to our correspondent Andy Todd, all about the next chapter of a remarkable 143-year-old story that has spanned the ages.
Hiya Internet Pals.
Internet pals always ask me what’s the hardest part of my job. It’s not putting the cones out because I love that part of my job, the hardest part is telling my football pals bad news. This week I’ve had to drop a bombshell on two pals.
First, I phoned close personal friend and international manager pal Roy Hodgson to let him know that the best English striker in the league was going to be out for two months.
“How did Jamie Vardy injure himself?” He asked.
“Silly Roy of the Blackburn Rovers. I’m not talking about that non-league reject,” I said, “I’m talking about a league reject. The greatest player to come out of Northern England since Bobby Charlton!”
“Wayne Rooney’s injured?” Cried Roy, “Oh no!”
“No Roy!!!” I said. He’s such a silly billy. “I’m talking about Bluewandowki. He’s only gone and done his leg in – how will England cope without him?”
“We’ll manage!” He snapped then slammed the phone down! He must be busy to have hung up so quickly. He didn’t even ask about the Goalie. I can only imagine that he doesn’t have a lot of spare time given he manages eight games a year.
Anyways, it’s good that Roy took it so well and didn’t cry. I thought he’d be devastated – without Bluewandowski’s lethal penalty taking England will never get past the quarter finals of Euro 2016. Oh well, maybe he doesn’t expect to get the to group stages. He does manage England after all (Don’t tell Roy I said that)!
After speaking to Roy, I then had to tell Bluewandowski the bad news too: he wouldn’t be able to play the Cone Game again this season.
He took one look at me and then burst into tears: “Ahm really sorry,” he said “ah want te score lots of goals an get a transfer te another club an noo, Dear God, noo, I’ll be stuck heor fre ever. Kill me, kill me noo!”
I couldn’t really make out what he was saying but he sounded devastated. And so he should, it was a pure shocker of an injury and you deserve to know the truth about what happened. Some newspapers have said that we blame a plastic pitch for Bluewandowski’s injury. That’s not true! I can exclusively reveal that it was actually caused by RSI. He’d taken too many penalties. His body couldn’t take the strain of blasting another winning goal into the back of the net. It’s a problem that affects all the top strikers – even Lionel Messi has had to miss a few games this season because of a Repetitive Scoring Injury.
I broke the bad news about his injury to the lads next day at training but all The Captain said was “Ah’ve got a repetitive scoring injury, if you know wot I mean!” We did. But, if I’m thinking of the same thing, it’s not an injury, it’s more of an evil looking plook on his unmentionables. He should see the Doctor about it, he really should.
Luckily, there was one happy man at the ‘greatest team in history’ this week: the Chairman. He was really happy when I told him we wouldn’t be paying goal scoring bonuses to Bluewandowski anymore. I can only imagine that the Chairman was so happy because he knew that meant we be paying other players instead. He’s such a generous man that he’d be delighted to know his money was being spread around the lads. Luckily we have lots of great strikers at this club. There’s the Old Striker and then there’s… ummm… yes… let’s come back to that later… as I said, lots of great strikers.
We have so many because we’re lucky because the Chairman has backed us in the transfer market. I’d hate to have one of those Premiership-type Chairmen who keeps buying midfielders even though he’s already got hundreds (including one who shall not be named who could have played for us). Anyways, I’m naming no names and I’m not looking at the east end of Glasgow as I write this. (I’m talking about Celtic). (Celtic’s who I’m talking about). (#Celtic).
I did have one worry this week. What if any other of the lads picked up an injury too. Luckily, the lads only scored one this weekend so it was good they listened to my lecture on the dangers of R.S.I.
Yer pal,
The Secret Assistant Manager
He’s a part-time comedian and in 2014, he supported Eddie Izzard in ‘Please Don’t Go’, Izzard’s show about Scottish independence and worked with BBC Radio Scotland as a weekly guest on Referendum Tonight.
