Secret-Assistant-Manager-Scottish-Football

Scottish Comedy FC has acquired the rights to an upcoming best-seller – “The Secret Assistant Manager” – which will tell you what really happens inside Scottish football.

The author has asked us to keep his identity a secret but in coming months he’ll tell it straight from the main man’s mouth, or, technically, straight from the assistant to the main man’s mouth to our correspondent Andy Todd, all about the next chapter of a remarkable 143-year-old story that has spanned the ages.

Hiya Pals,

Do you want the good news or the bad news? 
 

The bad news? Good choice, pals! My Mum always says  “You can’t have dessert without first eating your greens.” Getting bad news first is like eating brussels sprouts: no one wants them but once you’ve had one, it’s not as bad as you first thought. Although brussels sprouts do make you fart – which is why they’re banned from the lads’ Xmas party. Last year, the Captain ate so many sprouts he tried to recreate the Apollo space launch. He said a small opening and a large force would send him to the moon! He sat down on his chair, clenched his arse tight and started counting down from 10. Luckily, he only knows two numbers so that particular mission was aborted.

I digress pals but I just love telling you stories!

So, the bad news is that we drew a match. The lads were devastated. I thought the Boss would be angry but he walked in to the changing room and  just looked round calmly and said: “a change is as good as a rest so consider today a rest.” He’s so wise. He must have seen how tired the lads were after a two week break from football and hey knew they needed to take it easy. I wish I could see the game the way he sees it!

But, pals, I promised you good news too. The Old Striker has signed a new contract! I was talking to the Boss on Monday and he said:

“It’s important to build a squad that will compete this year and next. That’s why we need to invest in our young players. They’ll grow into players who understand the system we play and the great, great history of this club – we can also sell them for a profit which can be reinvested so that we can buy more young players..”

“I understand that,” I said, “that’s why we’ve got Blue-andowski, the Dodger and Fo Sho, but why are we giving the Old Striker a new contract?”.

“Well,” said the Boss, “he’s like buying two sixteen year olds, isn’t he, and another four year old who’ll grow up into another sixteen year old. He’s three players for the price of one! Luvvly jubbly!”

You can’t argue with logic like that. No wonder the Boss was a successful market trader – he’s got the gift of the gab. I bet his stall was really busy and he sold lots of batteries and Calvin Clean Y-Fronts. He could sell sand to the Arabs, so he could, pals, even though Dundee is beside the sea so they must have loads of sand .

The Boss asked me to talk to the Old Striker and persuade him to sign the new contract, but, when I told him what we were offering, he didn’t seem very happy.

“I remember when…” (He starts all his stories like this) “… I was picked up in the Old Chairman’s limo and chauffeured  all the way from Edinburgh to our world class training facilities just to have a chat about signing for the club for the first time. I remember when I was picked up in the Old Chairman’s private jet and flown back from the West Midlands when I signed my second contract. I even remember when I got a transatlantic call from the Fat Gardener and he offered to fly me first class back to the club so I could sign for a third time…”

“And your point is?” I said, trying to get him to finish his story.

“WHY DOES IT SAY I’LL USE MY FREE PENSIONER’S TRAVEL CARD  TO GET TO AND FROM MATCHES AND NOT USE THE COACH LIKE THE REST OF THE LADS? ARE WE NOT BETTER THAN THIS?” He shouted.

I was quite taken aback, so I was. That’s the first time this season the Old Striker has scored a direct hit.

“It was the Chairman’s idea,” I said, thinking quickly, “he says if you get free travel from the Government then you don’t need free travel from the club. He said that the money he saved can be used to pay you a bonus every time you score a goal”.

“Really,” said the Old Striker, “how much am I going to get every time I score?”

“You’ll get one million pounds for every goal.” I said.

“Wow!” He said, “I remember when the old Chairman gave me one million pounds for signing my first contract. Of course, things were different in those days, I had to go to the Isle of Man to collect it – and use a false name and wear a disguise…”

“Yes, yes,” I said, “that’s all very interesting (and I’m sure according to his lawyers is definitely not true) but do you want to sign or not?”

“For one million a goal – of course I do!”

And he did. He took out his feather and quill (he still doesn’t trust Bic pens, too modern for him) and he signed his contract right there and then. He didn’t even read it, which was a good thing as it didn’t have a goal bonus at all. I’d made it up! But, I tell you what, pals, sometimes a Secret Assistant Manager has to tell a little white lie to keep everyone happy.  Now you might think that’s reckless, the Old Striker is going to find out he doesn’t get a million pounds every time he scores, but, really, pals, when does the Old Striker score goals? Never, that’s when! Luvvly jubbly, indeed!

Yer pal

The Secret Assistant Manager

As told to Andy Todd.

Andy Todd
Celtic fan Andrew Todd is the co-author of ‘Jukebook Durie: the best & worst football songs’ – the first book to tell the stories behind the anthems for every team in the UK.

He’s a part-time comedian and in 2014, he supported Eddie Izzard in ‘Please Don’t Go’, Izzard’s show about Scottish independence and worked with BBC Radio Scotland as a weekly guest on Referendum Tonight.

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The Secret Assistant Manager On Old Strikers & Goal Bonuses

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