Scottish Comedy FC has acquired the rights to an upcoming best-seller – “The Secret Assistant Manager” – which will tell you what really happens inside Scottish football.
The author has asked us to keep his identity a secret but in coming months he’ll tell it straight from the main man’s mouth, or, technically, straight from the assistant to the main man’s mouth to our correspondent Andy Todd, all about the next chapter of a remarkable 143-year-old story that has spanned the ages. In today’s piece he gives the biggest clue yet about who he is!
Hiya Internet Pals,
I’M SO ANGRY I CAN ONLY EXPRESS MYSELF BY USING CAPITAL LETTERS EVEN THOUGH MY LITTLE FINGER IS GETTING TIRED HOLDING DOWN THE SHIFT KEY. THAT’S HOW ANGRY I AM – I’M TYPING THIS EVEN THOUGH IT’S MAKING MY FINGER HURT!!!!!!!!!!!
WHAT HAPPENED, YOU ASK? WELL… sorry, my little finger hurts too much now. No more capitals. Just read the next bit in an angry tone!
Last week I nearly called the Police during our game because I couldn’t believe what I was seeing on the pitch. The opposition was trying to murder our wing wizard from London, the Artful Dodger. Some people might say I’m overreacting but the Dodger could’ve been killed after receiving more dirty tackles than a woman checking her Tinder messages.
And the Dodger had done nothing wrong. In fact he was playing a blinder, and I’m not talking about Stevie Wonder. He’d been dodging and weaving, dribbling and feinting, and generally showing off more tricks than Tam Shepherd’s magic shop.
The Dodger was brilliant – and then he was brutally cut down by a flying elbow. It was a national scandal!
Let me tell you, pals, football’s a game played with your foot. It’s in the name. It’s not ELBOWball. It’s FOOTball.
But there he was. Near death. Almost certain to never play again. But thankfully our physio used his magic sponge and the Dodger was able to re-join the game. That sponge is almost as good as the Boss’s hat. Pals, do you know it takes a physio four years of training to learn how to use a magic sponge? He must be really stupid. The guy who cleans my car didn’t need four years of training and he’s knows how to use a mop too. The world is crazy sometimes!
After the game, I decided to have a word with the Boss about what we can do to protect our players.
“Boss,” I said, “The player’s need more protection.”
“Talk to the janitor,” said the Boss, “he’ll order more and re-stock the Johnny machine.”
“No, boss, they need more protection on the park. The Dodger almost died tonight.”
“You’re right. That was disgraceful. If we wanted to see flying elbows on the park we’d have kept the old Captain. Something must be done!”
“But what?” I asked.
“Don’t worry, I have a cunning plan. I’m currently working on a move that means I’ll never see a match like that again.”
“Brilliant, Boss,” I said, thinking he must have a special turn, feint, jump or sprint that’ll save the Dodger from opposition attacks, “when does the plan start?”
“Just as soon as Tim Sherwood is sacked by Aston Villa.”
And you know what, pals. Sherwood was sacked on Sunday. The Boss must be psychic. In fact, on Friday, I heard him say to his agent, Rodney, that he’d be free on Monday to go to Birmingham to talk about the move. It’s scary, how he knew so much in advance. It’s almost like he was talking to them already. Now, pals, I’m not sure how this will all help the Dodger but, oh well, he’s the Boss. He knows what he’s doing – I can’t wait to see what happens next!
Yer pal,
The Secret Assistant Manager
As told to Andy Todd.
Follow Scottish Comedy FC on Twitter for more on Scottish football and beyond: @ScotComFC
He’s a part-time comedian and in 2014, he supported Eddie Izzard in ‘Please Don’t Go’, Izzard’s show about Scottish independence and worked with BBC Radio Scotland as a weekly guest on Referendum Tonight.
