Secret-Assistant-Manager-Scottish-Football

Scottish Comedy FC has acquired the rights to an upcoming best-seller – “The Secret Assistant Manager” – which will tell you what really happens inside Scottish football.

The author has asked us to keep his identity a secret but in coming months he’ll tell it straight from the main man’s mouth, or, technically, straight from the assistant to the main man’s mouth to our correspondent Andy Todd, all about the next chapter of a remarkable 143-year-old story that has spanned the ages.

Hiya Pals.

There’s a common misconception that footballers are thick. Pals, that’s nonsense! Most of us are thin – we’re always running in training! You should have seen last year’s squad though; they never ran in training and look what happened to them: dear god, some of them had to join Kilmarnock!

Let me tell you a secret about last year’s squad. The Fat Gardener, the cheeky chappie who used to work here, would bring a packet of French Fancies to every match. At half time the players would race to the changing room and scoff the lot before he could waddle in! They even scoffed the brown ones, yuck! The Fat Gardener was so angry the players were scared to leave the pitch in the second half – they’d have stay on for the whole of the second half no matter how badly they played or how tired they were. It was shocking, so it was.

Anyways, pals, talking about history, the Chairman says its important that we keep ours. So, myself and the Boss bring French Fancies to the match too – but we take ours to the bench as we know they’ll be safe there. If you get something on the pitch then no-one can take it away from you, can they pals? That’s the rules – every club knows it and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Let me tell you a story. Last week, after another win for the ‘greatest team in history’ all the lads were sitting in the changing room. The Boss handed me a Hallowe’en themed French Fancy. They were reduced to a pound because Halloween was weeks ago. The Boss sure knows how to spot a bargain. Suddenly, the changing room door burst open, and guess who it was pals? It was none other than my pal, Mark King from Level 42, our PR advisor.

“What could he want?” I thought. We’re the most un-newsworthy team in the land. We’re so boring, all we do is win match after match after match (except when the Boss loses his magic hat).

“Listen you lot,” said Mark King, “I’m here to give you a history lesson.”

Afraid he was about to learn something, the Captain shouted out. “We don’ need no educayshun!” and immediately, the Old Striker added “We don’t need no thought control!”. The Captain looked confused at the Old Stiker. “I’m quoting Pink Floyd! Get it?” Said the Old Striker. The Captain looked even more confused “Who’s Pink Floyd? Is ‘e tha wan in Wan Direcshun?”

Thankfully, Mark interrupted him.

“Shut it you two! I didn’t get where I am today by listening,” he turned to address the whole squad. “Now, the papers are going to ask you all a question – so I need you to all sing from the same song sheet”

(I thought we were banned from singing songs. Oh well, times change.)

The Artful Dodger clearly wasn’t listening to Mark either. He shouted out “I ain’t singing, yo. I onlyz shoot truth bullets o’grime. Tales o’ that street motherf…”

“Fo’ sho” said his pal Fo Sho. Thankfully interrupting before the Dodger could accuse Mark of loving his mum with more than his heart. I tell you pals, this dressing room is less politically correct than a general election forecast.

Mark continued “I’ll keep this simple so even the Captain can understand me. IF ANYONE ASKS ABOUT ANYTHING. I MEAN ANYTHING! THEN SAY ‘NO COMMENT’. Do you understand? Yes or no?”

“NO COMMENT” shouted the lads together, proving once and for all that footballers aren’t thick – it made me dead proud pals, so it did! The team that says “no comment” together is the team that wins together. I wiped away a tear of joy. I was so happy – until I looked down and found someone had swiped my French Fancy. For a second I was angry that it was gone, but then I realised I got loads of cakes. More cakes than anyone else in fact and isn’t it better that someone else gets one now?

Yer pal,

The Secret Assistant Manager

As told to Andy Todd.

Andy Todd
Celtic fan Andrew Todd is the co-author of ‘Jukebook Durie: the best & worst football songs’ – the first book to tell the stories behind the anthems for every team in the UK.

He’s a part-time comedian and in 2014, he supported Eddie Izzard in ‘Please Don’t Go’, Izzard’s show about Scottish independence and worked with BBC Radio Scotland as a weekly guest on Referendum Tonight.

Twitter
The Secret Assistant Manager On Bad PR

Comments

comments

Tagged on:                                                                                                                                                                                 
x
Like us on Facebook!