Scottish Comedy FC has acquired the rights to an upcoming best-seller – “The Secret Assistant Manager” – which will tell you what really happens inside Scottish football.
The author has asked us to keep his identity a secret but in coming months he’ll tell it straight from the main man’s mouth, or, technically, straight from the assistant to the main man’s mouth to our correspondent Andy Todd, all about the next chapter of a remarkable 143-year-old story that has spanned the ages.
Hiya Pals,
Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas! At this time of year we need to think of those less fortunate than ourselves which is why we let a team named after the front man of A-Ha have a draw. Another wee clue to my identity there – you’ll never guess who I am! If we wanted to win we would have won, despite what the fans phoning the radio phone-in shows say!
Really pals, what do fans who call phone-in shows know about football? They might watch every game home and away after following the side they love for fifty years but can they put cones on a training pitch and tell players to run between them? No. The next time they feel like ranting on the phone they should call the speaking clock!
Sorry, pals, rant over. We drew our last game because it’s Christmas – not because other teams have worked out we only have one tactic. That’s just a big fiberroo. We have two tactics! Get the ball out wide on the left and pass it in, and get the ball out wide on the right and pass it in. Team don’t know which one we’ll use!
Anyways, that’s not the only news this week. While I was listening to one of these silly shows I heard some alleged fans talk about some legal issues. Well, that’s the first I had heard about any of these cases! We’re the “best team in the country” and the “model of a well managed organisation” with “no financial issues whatsoever.” At least, that’s what the Chairman told me. He also mentioned that this year he wouldn’t be giving out any Christmas presents to the players. How thoughtful, he realises we have some big games coming up and doesn’t want the players getting distracted. He’s a great man but he can be forgetful as, when I asked the Boss if he know about any legal issues I was shocked to find out we had more cases than Samsonite! So pals let me put the record straight and tell you the facts:
The Face-Painting Case
Charlie the Clown, who used to make us all laugh with his funny comments, sued the club to make them pay to get his face painted or something. He lost his case so now he doesn’t have any whiskers or tiger stripes on his face at all. Who’s laughing now? No-one. Poor Charlie.
The Wine Mix-Up
The Chairman, because he’s a nice man, gave the Fat Shopkeeper down the road a bottle of wine from his wine cellar but, apparently, it wasn’t the Chairman’s wine to give so now the Fat Shopkeeper is mad because the Chairman told Jim White off of Sky News all about it. Anywho, the Fat Shopkeeper prefers Gary Lineker on BT Sport and wants the Chairman to go to get him another bottle of wine, or something like that. I’m not 100% sure of the details but I think that’s exactly what happened. Anyways, the Chairman won so that’s that.
The Tax Case
Apparently, we didn’t pay tax on our titles now someone wants us all to strip naked or something. To be honest, pals, this one bores me more than an evening with Pat Nevin. Just like Celtic’s games in Europe, it’s going to be years yet before we get a result. I’d just ignore it.
The Fat Shopkeeper’s Cases
The Fat Shopkeeper is suing the SFA. Someone told me he was spending £100k so he doesn’t have to pay £10k. What a silly billy. No wonder he’s so broke: he doesn’t understand money at all! I mean have you seen his shop – he can’t even buy shelves. He should speak to the Chairman – he’s a man who knows how to pay his debts.
(The Fat Shopkeeper also has another case but I don’t know much about that one. I think he must have got a two for one deal from his lawyers. He does like a bargain.)
The Big One
Finally, and this is the worst of the lot, I got three points on my driving licence. Now, this a national travesty. Those kids had a lollipop lady making sure they didn’t cross the road to school so there was nothing wrong with me driving at 90mph! She was holding them back already! Does anyone have Aamer Anwar’s number? Police Scotland are going to pay for this! We need a campaign! C’mon, pals, free the Secret Assistant Manager one!
And, by the way, pals, if anyone says this is wrong. I’ll see you in court!!
Yer pal,
The Secret Assistant Manager
He’s a part-time comedian and in 2014, he supported Eddie Izzard in ‘Please Don’t Go’, Izzard’s show about Scottish independence and worked with BBC Radio Scotland as a weekly guest on Referendum Tonight.
