Scottish Comedy FC has acquired the rights to an upcoming best-seller – “The Secret Assistant Manager” – which will tell you what really happens inside Scottish football.
The author has asked us to keep his identity a secret but in coming months he’ll tell it straight from the main man’s mouth, or, technically, straight from the assistant to the main man’s mouth to our correspondent Andy Todd, all about the next chapter of a remarkable 143-year-old story that has spanned the ages.
Hiya Pals,
You’ll never guess who I met this week! I met the Vice Chairman! He’s been jetting round the world raising money from our global fanbase and this week was my first chance to meet him.
“Would you like some champagne?” He said, offering me a glass as we sat in the back seat of his royal blue Rolls Royce.
“I don’t drink,” I said.
“Neither do I,” he said winking and downing the glass, “but, as your Vice Chairman and public face of the real football men who run this club, I need to show that the good times have returned and we’re simply the best! So, before we begin, can I offer you some goose?”
“I’m okay.”
“White truffles?”
“I’m fine.”
“Some caviar perhaps?”
“Oh, don’t mind if I do,” I said.
“Now,” said the Vice-Chairman, “I’ve not asked you here just as an excuse to charge my champagne breakfast to the club, we have important matters to discuss. Footballing matters –“
“Is that chicken paté?” I interrupted.
“You could say that – this is the finest French foie gras, a real delicacy. Help yourself.”
I do. Mmmmm, it was tasty. Foie gras must be French for Tesco’s Finest.
“Where were we?” Asks the Vice-Chairman.
“Footballing matters,” I said.
“Yes. Footballing matters. I have some good news. The Chairman called me. He’s worried that the players may return to bad habits, eat too much and get lazy.” He buttered a brioche, slathered it with foie gras, topped it with caviar, before washing it down with a glass of Cristal.
“Remember when Greggs the Bakers said they were cancelling Macaroni Pies? Well, that was a lie. They’d just run out. The Fat Striker we let go last year ate them all. We can’t have a repeat of that. So, the Chairman has decided to cancel all lunches, snacks and half-time oranges. From now on, if the players want to eat, they can’t blame the club for feeding them!”
“Brilliant,” I said, helping myself to another spoonful of caviar. The Vice-Chairman sure was generous!
“Just take it all,” said the Vice Chairman, “it’ll just go in the bin.”
“Okie dokie,” I said, taking half a dozen tins of caviar and a crate of Cristal, “now, is there anything else you wanted to talk about?”
The Vice Chairman lit a Cuban Cigar with a twenty pound note. Classy! “Yes, no biggie, but can you confirm we met by signing this expense form?”
What a nice man. I signed straight away. He’s my new BPF: best pal forever!
Yer pal,
The Secret Assistant Manager
As told to Andy Todd.
He’s a part-time comedian and in 2014, he supported Eddie Izzard in ‘Please Don’t Go’, Izzard’s show about Scottish independence and worked with BBC Radio Scotland as a weekly guest on Referendum Tonight.
