secret_assistant_manager

Scottish Comedy FC has acquired the rights to an upcoming best-seller – “The Secret Assistant Manager” – which will tell you what really happens inside Scottish football.

The author has asked us to keep his identity a secret but in coming months he’ll tell it straight from the main man’s mouth, or, technically, straight from the assistant to the main man’s mouth to our correspondent Andy Todd, all about the next chapter of a remarkable 143-year-old story that has spanned the ages. In today’s piece he gives the biggest clue yet about who he is!

Hiya Internet Pals,

It’s been another amazing week at the greatest club in history. While all the papers have been talking about Bayern Munich’s Robert Lewandowski’s goal scoring spree there’s only one question at our world class training facilities – how many more goals would Bob have had to score to become half as good as Whagfield, our very own strike sensation? He’s our Saturday night chart topper! Winky face. Hashtag ‘did you see what I did there?’. Hashtag ‘not his real name’. Hashtag ‘you’ll never guess who he is!’.

Whagfield’s brilliant. He’d definitely win the European Golden Boot if it didn’t have that stupid rule which says goals against diddy teams don’t count. Are Morton a diddy team? Are Dumbarton?  Are Alloa Athetic? (Just to pick three clubs at random – you’ll never guess who I am either, pals!) They might not be big names but they’re still better than English teams in the Champions League! Ha ha ha out loud. Smiley face. That one that looks like a brown cornetto. Hashtag you only live twice – which is better than YOLO because it’s the best Bond film.

(Some of the lads say I don’t get social media and hash tagging – but I once had a pint of shandy with Sky Sports’ Jim White – so that shows them. I was social. He’s in the media. What’s not to get?!?)

Anyways, pals, I always knew Whagfield would be a star. Although, when we first saw him, the Boss said: “A talent like that cannot be coached”.

I asked: “Why not?”

“Because he’s just like Tom Hanks in Castaway,” said the Boss.

“How come?”

“He lets his football do the talking.”

I thought he was cracking a joke –  the Boss can be really funny – but it turned out he was serious. Whagfield couldn’t speak! He was born in the North East of England and grew up in Sunderland. By the age of five he’d already lost the ability to form rudimentary English words. By the age of 10 he could no longer form sentences. By 18 he only made strange guttural noises like a Gorilla kicked in the balls in a dialect that people called ‘Geordie’. For the first two weeks we called him ‘Lamb Chop’ because all he said was “Mint!”.

This week, I tried again to get him to speak. I asked if he could tell me the secret of his success but all he said was: “Howay man! Yer a right nebby bugga. Divvent get is wrang pet, but I’m propa paggered and I’m clamming for me bait. Am gan hyem. Mint!”

See, total gibberish. It’s tragic really. But, boy, can he score goals! Who needs Lewandowski? We’ve got Whagfield!

Yer pal,

The Secret Assistant Manager

As told to Andy Todd.

The Secret Assistant Manager: Lewandowski Couldn’t Do It On A Rainy Night In Greenock

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