Secret Assistant Manager Scottish Football

Scottish Comedy FC has acquired the rights to an upcoming best-seller – “The Secret Assistant Manager” – which will tell you what really happens inside Scottish football.

The author has asked us to keep his identity a secret but in coming months he’ll tell it straight from the main man’s mouth, or, technically, straight from the assistant to the main man’s mouth to our correspondent Andy Todd, all about the next chapter of a remarkable 143-year-old story that has spanned the ages.

Hiya internet pals,

Did you make a new year’s resolution? And have you kept it? This week we gathered the lads together to check they hadn’t broken any and this is what they said:

The Goalie
His aim was to play for England in Euro 2016. He asked me if I knew the best way to get there. I said that as London 2012 was in London, and Glasgow 2014 was in Glasgow, then he should check if Ryanair fly to the city of Euro and he could buy a cheap ticket now to get the best deal. It’s not just the Chairman who knows how to save money, pals!

The Captain
He said “Shagger’ll keep shagging. Burdz will jus’ hav ta form a queue.” I had nothing to add – this is one resolution he won’t be breaking!

The Boss
He said he was looking to sign a new contract. Isn’t that great news, pals? The Boss loves us and he’s enjoying building a team of loan signings and free transfers. Just the other day I heard him say to Rodney, his agent: “Tell Swindon Town to stop calling me. I see my future elsewhere!” You can’t get any clearer a commitment than that.

The Chairman
He vowed to put the club back where it belongs at the top of Scottish football. He’ll spend whatever it takes to get there. He also asked me if I could remind fans that he’s collecting money at the stadium on Saturday in aid of the Western Isles Fireman’s Institute. However, as that’s too long to write in cheques, I should tell the fans they should make cheques out to pay the WIFI.

Fo’Shu and the Arful Dodger
They said they don’t need a resolution because, just like their pal Jay-Z: “We got 99 problems but a pitch ain’t one!” At least that’s what I thought they said. Good to know they leave all their issues in the stand and don’t take them onto the pitch.

Blueandwoski
He said he did’t need to make a resolution because he’s already had more goals than anyone else. He’s a good lad.

The Old Striker
He promised to use his bus pass more. I told him he also gets a free TV licence – he was well pleased as he only has a gramophone at the moment.

The Fat Gardener
He vowed to get back to work and mentioned something about not having gardening leave any more. I told him: “In that case, you can come round my house. I’ve got loads of leaves in my garden. You can work on them whenever you want”. He’s not been round yet – typical tradesman – he won’t get a new job with that attitude!

The Fat Shopkeeper
His resolution was to meet the Chairman regularly. In fact they already have two dates in the diary to go to London. They must be going to an indoor spa because the Fat Shopkeeper has told the Chairman that if the meeting goes well then the Chairman could be facing a long stretch.

It was a brilliant session but I’m sure you’re all dying to know my new year’s resolution. Well, it was an easy one: I promise to keep bringing you the truth about the greatest team in history and our rise back to the top! And it’s a promise I intend to keep – onwards and upwards!

Yer pal,

The Secret Assistant Manager

Andy Todd
Celtic fan Andrew Todd is the co-author of ‘Jukebook Durie: the best & worst football songs’ – the first book to tell the stories behind the anthems for every team in the UK.

He’s a part-time comedian and in 2014, he supported Eddie Izzard in ‘Please Don’t Go’, Izzard’s show about Scottish independence and worked with BBC Radio Scotland as a weekly guest on Referendum Tonight.

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The Secret Assistant Manager Keeps His Players Honest

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