Scottish Comedy FC has acquired the rights to an upcoming best-seller – “The Secret Assistant Manager” – which will tell you what really happens inside Scottish football.
The author has asked us to keep his identity a secret but he continues to tell it straight from the main man’s mouth, or, technically, straight from the assistant to the main man’s mouth to our correspondent Andy Todd, all about the next chapter of a remarkable 143-year-old story that has spanned the ages.
Hiya Internet Pals,
I want to set the record straight – I’ve not been approached to become boss of They Who Shall Not Be Named.
I know the papers linked They Who Shall Not Be Named with a young championship coach, a powerful ex-defender who once played with Everton in the Premier League (you’ll never guess who I am!) but I can confirm, pals, that I have not been contacted. However, in the interests of full disclosure, I did have an unknown number call my phone on Monday.
They didn’t leave a message but it must have been They Who Shall Not Be Named, so I called their Chairman and told him straight: “I’m going nowhere. I’m at the Greatest Team in History with a World Class Training Facility and World Famous Car Park. I have a Chairman who has backed my every move in the transfer market. Its not his fault the war chest has a sticky lid which meant it couldn’t be opened on transfer deadline day. Why would I ever move?”
He told me what I’d get paid.
Well, pals, I knew then he must joking! How would I get that many zeroes on a pay cheque?! He was having a laugh so I hung up on him – nobody makes a fool out of The Secret Assistant Manager!
The next thing I knew, They Who Shall Not Be Named’s chairman was on TV on Wednesday saying their manager would leave but first he would stay until the end of the season. Now that’s just cruel. Hasn’t the poor man sat through enough rubbish this season? What’s he’s going to do for the next few weeks? He’s leaving. He’s only going to come in and watch box sets of Game of Thrones, surf the internet and count the correct number of cones have come back in at the end of training. If he wanted to do that, he should have become an assistant manager!
Can I let you into a secret, pals? I’ve been in the same position as that poor man. Last year, the Boss and I were sacked in February but the club made us wait until the Summer before we could leave. It was awful. How can you motivate players when they have to organise a leaving party, card and present? It just doesn’t work. Either the lads can play football or the lads can organise a party, they can’t do both. Just ask Gabriel Agbonlahor and his buddies at Aston Villa.
So, in the interest of helping a fellow soon to be ex-manager, I’ve see him a letter of support. I didn’t have his address but I sent it the Job Centre as that way I know he’ll definitely get it. Even if he doesn’t pitch it up himself, one of They Who Shall Not Be Named’s fans will pick it up when they’re in to collect their giro.
This is what I said:
“Dear They Who Shall Not Be Named’s Ex-Boss,
If you know you’re history you’ll know you’re not the first Boss to sit in a dug-out even though you don’t want to be there. In case Louis van Gaal has not been in touch, there’s some tips from a fellow bench warmer to help you during your final weeks. I’d recommend that you:
A. Organise some friendlies against diddy teams. After you leave, your win record will be used to judge you so a few extra victories will make you look good;
B. Clear the internet history from your laptop. You don’t want people to ask why you kept googling “Young boys + Manchester”; and
C. Try and take a break from football. Don’t think about tactics, teamwork or motivation at all – in fact, just do what you did last Sunday and you’ll be alright!”
Hee hee, I couldn’t resist a wee dig, what am I like!
Yer pal,
The Secret Assistant Manager
