secret_assistant_manager

Scottish Comedy FC has acquired the rights to an upcoming best-seller – “The Secret Assistant Manager” – which will tell you what really happens inside Scottish football.

The author has asked us to keep his identity a secret but in coming months he’ll tell it straight from the main man’s mouth, or, technically, straight from the assistant to the main man’s mouth to our correspondent Andy Todd, all about the next chapter of a remarkable 143-year-old story that has spanned the ages. In today’s piece he gives the biggest clue yet about who he is!

Hiya Internet Pals,

Last week, there was silence in the dressing room. We’d lost a league cup game to a team in the league above us. After the match, you could’ve heard a pin drop. No one wanted to speak. Then – the Captain farted.

“It wasnae me!” He protested.

“Who did that?” Asked the Boss.

The Old Striker started to gag. He looked like he was about to throw up.

“I remember when…” All the Old Striker’s stories start this way. He’s so old it’s rumoured he was Methuselah’s boot boy in the Old Testament XI. “…we used to say ‘he who smelled it, dealt it’.”

“UGGHHH! It smellz lak badussy” Said the Dodger, one of our London ‘Yoof’ players. I don’t know who or what Badussy is – it must be one of Dodger’s old team mates.

“Fo’ Sho’!” said his pal ‘Fo Sho’. I really must find out his real name.

“Look! Who did it? I’m worried. Have you not been drinking enough water? You need to see a doctor!” Said the Boss.

I knew it was the Captain’s fart. He was at fault for all three goals we let in and he was using the ‘fart distraction technique’ to try and avoid a dressing down. If you don’t know the FDT, pals, it’s a classic technique honed in Scottish dressing rooms down the ages. Though it doesn’t seem to have spread down south to England. I tried it once when I played in the Premiership – I was pretty decent pals, so I was! – and it resulted in our stadium being evacuated and a Spanish midfielder going to hospital. Those millionaire superstars couldn’t handle a brisk Scottish wind.

The Boss was about to say something when he was interrupted by a song.

Where it all comes from is a mystery…”

It’s the Boss’s mobile phone ringtone.

It’s like the changing of the seasons and the tides of the sea…”

The Boss picks it up.

But here’s the one that’s driving me berserk – why do only fools and horses work?

“It’s the Chairman,” said the Boss, “I’ll put it in on speaker”.

“YAHHHHHHHH BEAUUUTYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!” Screamed the Chairman “THANK FOOK YOU LOST!!”

“I know,” said the Boss, “it means we can now concentrate on the league. It’s a wake-up call to fans and players that we need to do better and take nothing for granted.”

“Stoof that,” replied the Chairman. “I don’t have to pay noo league cup bonuses!”

He’s probably concerned about all the time he’s spending every week opening his war chest to hand out bonuses. A busy man like him must have better things to do.

“Now, since I got you on the fone. I lik to infom you that you kin buy no players in January.” He then quickly added: “Got-to-go, Going into a tunnel. Crrchhhch. You’re breaking up. Crcchchch“.

The Boss hangs up before addressing the lads: “What the Chairman meant to say was that we’re not going to buy any players in January because I don’t want to affect the squad’s unity.”

The Boss is so wise. I’d never have thought about unity but he’s correct. So I told them that: “Unity is really important. The players arriving in January will have Christmas presents but you lot might not have had a visit from Santa. You’d then be jealous when they have FIFA15 but you’re stuck with FIFA14!” I then add “Not that you want FIFA15. We’ve been snubbed. The ‘greatest team in history’ isn’t in it!”

“Bollocks!” Said the Captain, which was a surprise. I don’t know he would be upset. He’s never plays anyone else at FIFA. I asked him to play last week but he said when he’s at a computer he prefers to play with himself.

The Captain farted again then giggled: “That wasnae me!”

The Boss covered his mouth with a handkerchief. “Right, that’s it – this meeting is over. We’ll discuss it again tomorrow.”

And that was the end of that. The Fart Distraction Technique won again. The Captain escaped and the Boss learned a lesson in Scottish football – he now knows that he who denied it, supplied it. Oh well, onwards and upwards!

Yer pal,

The Secret Assistant Manager

As told to Andy Todd.

Andy Todd
Celtic fan Andrew Todd is the co-author of ‘Jukebook Durie: the best & worst football songs’ – the first book to tell the stories behind the anthems for every team in the UK.

He’s a part-time comedian and in 2014, he supported Eddie Izzard in ‘Please Don’t Go’, Izzard’s show about Scottish independence and worked with BBC Radio Scotland as a weekly guest on Referendum Tonight.

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The Secret Assistant Manager: Football’s Like Smelling Your Own Farts

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