If the Government is serious about addressing the nation’s iniquitous relationship with gambling it should investigate not just fixed odds terminals that apparently dish out crack cocaine but also the effect of Jan Zemlik, Carlo Monti and Luka Tankulic on betting patterns.
Those familiar with the contemporary history of goal-shy Dundee forwards will be nodding their heads at this point. For anyone else, take it from me that these names are incontrovertible proof of one of the most exploitative of all bookmaking practices – allowing fans to bet on the prospects of their own team while under the influence of heady pre-season form.
Football people, prone to bouts of bi-polarity at the best of times, are particularly susceptible to cognitive dissonance when it comes to July kickabouts. String a few wins together against Highland League sides and English League One reserves and expectations are sky high. Lose those same games and what does it matter? Pre-season is only about perpetration after all. Rivals’ disappointing form is mercilessly mocked while your own side’s less-than-stellar showings are simultaneously glossed over.
Pre-season is, above all else, about hope that borders on delusion. Hope that the young winger said to have made a few good runs against Formartine United XI will be sold for millions after an astounding first term, that the midfielder you spent the previous season abusing in increasingly creative ways has transformed into Zidane, that the manager’s tactical idiosyncrasies were actually symptoms of genius and that your new signings will turn out to be refugees from Brazil 1970. Hope that the times may be a changin is the stuff that keeps us going along to our chosen chapel year after year. It is also keeps us going to the bookies to take advantage of lengthy odds offered by turf accountants yet to twig that a squad of serial underachievers have miraculously transformed themselves into Barcelona, Real Madrid and Melchester Rovers rolled into one.
And it was under these circumstances that wagers were accepted by laughter-stifling employees of William Hill and Ladbrokes (predominantly in the Dundee area, you would imagine) on the upcoming and inevitable goalscoring exploits of the three aforementioned strikers.
Jan Zemlik was (and probably still is) 6’7″ tall. That fact is more remarkable than his footballing ability and was enough to get the Dark Blue faithful salivating from the moment his picture appeared in the Evening Telegraph (AKA the Tully) alongside other trialists. No conversation passed without the Czech’s height being mentioned in terms you might associate with medieval peasants discussing the upcoming visit of a monarch whose existence was shrouded in myth. “They say he’s 6’7″ and kills bears with his own hands, you know. Even if he lacks mobility but he’ll provide a focal point for our attack and drive predatory wildlife from Tentsmuir Forest.” The fact the Derry had been starved of a big target man for some years partly explains the way we recast ourselves as awe-struck Lilliputans eager to tie down this modern-day Gulliver from the moment he washed up on Tayside shores. When big Jan scored a double in a friendly against Millwall (one a decent enough strike, the other aided by a goalkeeper with hands like Jeremy Beadle) something akin to Beatlemania erupted in the Hilltown. He would notch a further two in the season that followed and his contract was not renewed.
Carlo Monti joined Dundee’s summer preparations as a trialist after a goal-laden spell at Pollok that in itself followed his falling out the senior ranks. Even though Carlo was nowhere near 6’7″, sparkling pre-season form had the Derry loins a-tingle once again. A series of friendlies in which Monti was seemingly unable to stop scoring (mainly from the penalty spot and against the giants of Forfarshire football, it must be said) led the Tully to proclaim him the signing of the summer and the key to Dundee’s promotion hopes. Betting slips are filled out on the back of such journalistic hyperbole but unfortunately the First Division’s defences clearly weren’t in on the action and he managed just two goals (both penalties) in 17 appearances.
Twice bitten thrice shy? Not a bit of it. Step forward Luka Tankulic. The Tank opened his account against then Premier League champions Manchester City of all sides. The fact his sclaff took a deflection so heavy that Stevie Fulton called it a fat bastard before crossing the line should in no way detract from this achievement. He went on to add further goals and generally look like the real deal throughout the summer. He was, according to the Tully, “the finisher Dundee have been crying out for” and “the final piece in the jigsaw”. After grabbing his first competitive goal in the opening game of the season, it was to be New Year’s Day before Tankulic hit the net again. Goal number two came when we were already 6-1 down to United, a strike I like to think of as a right pus-shutter. A third followed late in the season but ‘the Luka Tankulic contingency’ had long since been stricken from the agenda at Paddy Power board meetings by then.
None of these three could be accused of giving anything less than their best during their respective spells at Dens Park and neither were they without their own attributes but simply turned out to be different players than expected once the proverbial real ba’ came out. It’s not hard to see how trialists desperate to win a deal stand out in games played at ¾ pace against opponents keen not to pick up a knock that could lose them their place before the season starts. But fanatics are less likely to reflect soberly on contextualised nuances than Scott Allan is to get a testimonial at Easter Road so off to the bookies they go, mentally spending winnings that will never materialise as financial and footballing fortunes dovetail calamitously.
In all honesty, the total amount of money squandered on the combined failings of Jan, Carlo and Luka wouldn’t pay for Kris Boyd’s new hairdo but they represent the vulnerability, nay stupidity, of football fans. Every club can count many false-dawn forwards who’ve raised hopes and opened wallets. Every side has had a pre-season so devastatingly deceiving that its supporters were convinced to put their money where their mouth was. Every fan who also likes a punt knows the remorse of heart-over-head bets that, on reflection, were as unwise as pumping the wife of an Islamic State commander and texting him the subsequent pictures.
And so the Government must take action against the unscrupulous leaches that prey on gullible football fans when they are at their most susceptible. I suggest the bookies be forced to offer an amnesty on any bet placed during the halcyon days of summer bounce games. A text or email along the lines of “Are you really sure you want to put £5 on Rangers to win the Petrofac Cup? Really? With their record in the competition?” would suffice.
For his part, Luka Tankulic has hopefully taken the under-promise-and-over-deliver approach during his second pre-season with Dundee and refused to score in any of our warm-up matches. In fact, it is to their great credit that our entire squad has elected not to artificially elevate expectations by scoring just three in six while failing to keep a clean sheet and losing to Brechin. But what does it matter? It’s only pre-season after all and have you seen how that mob across the road has been getting on?
