Scottish Comedy FC has acquired the rights to an upcoming best-seller – “The Secret Assistant Manager” – which will tell you what really happens inside Scottish football.
The author has asked us to keep his identity a secret but he continues to tell it straight from the main man’s mouth, or, technically, straight from the assistant to the main man’s mouth to our correspondent Andy Todd, all about the next chapter of a remarkable 143-year-old story that has spanned the ages.
Hiya Internet Pals.
I’m dead angry, so I am! How dare those silly billys at the SPFL arrange for us to play on a Friday Night! Do they not know that Friday’s when Secret Assistant Managers watch a double bill of EastEnders and Coronation Street? How am I supposed to take the lads through the cone game when I’ve got half a mind on my favourite soap operas – when will Callum’s body be uncovered on Coronation Street?! I need to know!
Anyways, I was so desperate to get home to watch the Platts and Danny Dyer that I told the lads to stop playing as soon as my watch said the 90 minutes were up. But, do you know what happened then? The other team CHEATED – they ran up the pitch and scored! Everyone knows football’s a game of 90 minutes, not a game of 91 minutes! Who do they think are?!?
I was going to shout at the other team for their un-sportsman-like behaviour but the Boss told me to mind my language as we’re playing the bairns. That explained their dreadful behaviour: young lads today have no respect for their elders!
This week is an international week but, due to snub-gate (see last week’s column) all the lads are still working out at our world class training facilities – which is really, really annoying as I was looking forward to the break. Instead I had to give them some work to do, so, I decided a written exercise would keep the lads quiet. I gave each of them the SPFL player of the year forms and told them to fill them in.
I also asked the Chairman if he’d wanted to fill out a form too. He wasn’t keen. He claimed he doesn’t put his name to anything. I asked him whether that was due to him having such a good memory he never needs to have proof of what he’s done. He replied “yes, something like that.” He’s so talented.
When I checked back with the lads they were all shouting and arguing.
“Whats going on here?” I demanded. You have to show them who’s boss… umm… I didn’t mean that. Sorry, Boss, just in case he’s reading this, I meant to say, you have to show them who’s the secret assistant to the boss.
The Old Striker said “The Captain wants us to put his name down for the player of the year and if we don’t he’s going to knife us!”
I asked the Captain: “Is this true, Shagger? What have I told you about bringing your knife to training?”
The Captain looked down at the ground and said quietly: “Playas gotta play, haters gotta hate, shaggers gotta shag. John Terry was playa of the year for Chelsea – and ah’ve shagged more burdz than him so I must be playa o’ the year!”
I thought about it. He had a point – but the year John Terry won player of the year was the year Chelsea won the European cup and the Premier League. He’d performed week in, week out at the highest level. How could the Captain match that? Then, I thought about it again and realised that the Captain was right. He should be player of the year. He’d won the league (who’s going to catch us?), he’d won the cup (who’s going to beat us?) and he’d turned up for every game. If that isn’t the mark of a player of the year then what is?
I know some people at this point might say – what about Ronaldo/Messi? But have they won the mighty Petrofac? A glaring omission on their footballing CV’s if ever there was one.
The Captain deserves the prize so I told all the players to do what he said and nominate him. He was so happy he rolled on his back and howled at the sky. That was a good day. Unfortunately, the next day, I realised that you can’t vote for a team-mate. I called in The Captain to give him the bad news but he walked in wearing a new t-shirt. On it he’d written “Plair ov tha Yeer!”
I didn’t have the heart to tell him the lads votes won’t count. Oh well, I’ll just give him an extra biscuit if he doesn’t win, he’ll soon forget about it if he thinks he’s getting a wee treat.
Yer Pal,
The Secret Assistant Manager
He’s a part-time comedian and in 2014, he supported Eddie Izzard in ‘Please Don’t Go’, Izzard’s show about Scottish independence and worked with BBC Radio Scotland as a weekly guest on Referendum Tonight.
