Scottish Comedy FC has acquired the rights to an upcoming best-seller – “The Secret Assistant Manager” – which will tell you what really happens inside Scottish football.
The author has asked us to keep his identity a secret but he continues to tell it straight from the main man’s mouth, or, technically, straight from the assistant to the main man’s mouth to our correspondent Andy Todd, all about the next chapter of a remarkable 143-year-old story that has spanned the ages.
Hiya Internet Pals,
What A Title Party! We partied like it was 1999. I loved Prince. He was my favourite pop star named after dog food but I also like pedigree Chumbawumba and Bono.
Pals, did you know Prince wasn’t always called Prince? He changed his name to a symbol due to a legal problem. The record company demand he handed over his records but, when he changed his name back to Prince, he kept all his records. Isn’t that a great story, pals? As long as you have the same name you can keep all your records.
Anywho, on Saturday, we played our first match as Championeees. The opposition gave the lads a guard of honour as they walked out. And we returned the honour by standing still for the next 90 minutes as they ran through us.
In the boardroom, after the game, the Chairman was crying. I don’t think he’s stopped crying since our semi-final victory over They Who Shall Not Be Named. It must be tears of joy from reaching a final! I tried to comfort him but he was rocking back and forth muttering “They’re meant to finish playing in April not May. I’ll have to give them new contracts!” Isn’t that great, pals? The lads did so well the Chairman is going to give them new contracts! He’s such a generous man.
The Boss was also busy this week. He was looking at new players. Don’t tell anyone I told you but I think we’re going to get some ex-Premiership superstars. I checked the Boss’s laptop and he’d researched Aston Villa’s squad. I even heard him say to Rodney, his agent, that he was prepared to work with all of them, so we could be getting anyone. And I heard him say “I can speak to them anytime”. Isn’t that great too, pals? The Boss could be signing a new pal any day now. I can’t wait.
Finally, a Liverpool player was accused this week of taking a performance enhancing drug. I asked the Captain if he’d ever taken a performance enhancing drug and he said: “Ah don’t need no drug to get it up!” So, there you go. There’s no drug problems at The Greatest Team In History!
We don’t need to get it up – because we’re already up… as Championees!!!!
Yer pal,
The Secret Assistant Manager
He’s a part-time comedian and in 2014, he supported Eddie Izzard in ‘Please Don’t Go’, Izzard’s show about Scottish independence and worked with BBC Radio Scotland as a weekly guest on Referendum Tonight.
