Scottish Comedy FC has acquired the rights to an upcoming best-seller – “The Secret Assistant Manager” – which will tell you what really happens inside Scottish football.

The author has asked us to keep his identity a secret but he continues to tell it straight from the main man’s mouth, or, technically, straight from the assistant to the main man’s mouth to our correspondent Andy Todd, all about the next chapter of a remarkable 143-year-old story that has spanned the ages.

Hola Internet Pals,

Jim apple The Secret Assistant Manager. Who Eck La Biblioteque? Arriba, arriba, arriba!

(“I am TSAM. Where is Alex MacLeish’s library? Bus company, bus company, bus company!”)

Why am I talking foreign, pals? Well, this week I’ve done a Cliff Richard, no, the police did not visit my house, I went on a summer holiday! “We’re going where the sun shines brightly. We’re going where the sea is blue.” Little clue there. You’ll never guess who I am!

I know we have one game left to play this season but the Chairman locked the gate to our World Class Training Facilities after our last league game and sent all the staff home. He’s so good to us. He knows if the players don’t see a ball before the Scottish Cup final then they’ll be hungrier to get it when we play.

The Boss decided to spend his break visiting places in England. He went to Blackburn, Bolton and Bristol City. I asked why he went to those places and he said: “I only went to places with vacancies!”

Clever boss. If he went to places with no vacancies then he wouldn’t have anywhere to stay.

The lads all went to Shagaluf except the Captain. I found him wondering the airport in a sombrero and a ‘kiss me quick’ hat. Although he’d written over the “qui” and replaced it with a “co.”

He was shouting at his iPhone. “’Mon Siri – where’s Shagaluf?”

Siri said: “Do you mean Magaluf?”

“No doll! Shagaluf! S.H.A.G.A.L.O.O.F” Spelling isn’t his strong point.

Siri replied “Do you mean Magaluf?”

“NO! Ah’ll give ya ‘Do You Mean’!!!” I decided I’d better help him before he threw his phone against the wall. I calmed him down and listened as he said “Shagger sad. Phone doll sayz she cannae find direcshuns to Shagaluf. Shagger lost.”

“Shagaluf’s not a real place,” I said, “It’s just a nickname. Siri is correct, you want to go to Magaluf,”

“Magaluf? Heh, heh, it should be Shag-yer-Ma-galuf!”

And with that, he was off, bounding towards departure desk. Sadly, he didn’t get to Magaluf. The plane refused to take him. Something to do with not having his rabies shots, I think.

The lads loved the trip. The highlight was riding some donkeys… I didn’t know They Who Shall Not Be Named had sent their players over. Hee hee.

Sadly there was no holiday for TSAM, pals. There’s no rest for Secret Assistant Managers! I used the time off to practice my language skills. Speaking foreign is an essential skill for every Secret Assistant Manager. If the lads don’t know what you’re saying how will they know to play the Cone Game? You need to talk to them in a language they understand, so, to the foreign lads, I refer to the Cone Game as:

“El Gaymo Del Cono”

“Das BlitzkreigPointyPlastikPitchMarker Gamestein”

“The Cone Game, THE CONE GAME, The C. O. N. E. GAME, you effing EFFWITS, it’s the GAME… the GAME with the CONES. It’s why I’ve brought our the EFFING CONES! THE CONES! It’s the CONE GAME, for EFFS SAKE!!!!”

That last one always works. I’m a genius, so I am.

Chow, off weegie sane and sign an arrow, pals!


As told to Andy Todd.

Andy Todd
Celtic fan Andrew Todd is the co-author of ‘Jukebook Durie: the best & worst football songs’ – the first book to tell the stories behind the anthems for every team in the UK.

He’s a part-time comedian and in 2014, he supported Eddie Izzard in ‘Please Don’t Go’, Izzard’s show about Scottish independence and worked with BBC Radio Scotland as a weekly guest on Referendum Tonight.

The Secret Assistant Manager Talks About His Holiday



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