Secret Assistant Manager Scottish Football

Scottish Comedy FC has acquired the rights to an upcoming best-seller – “The Secret Assistant Manager” – which will tell you what really happens inside Scottish football.

The author has asked us to keep his identity a secret but in coming months he’ll tell it straight from the main man’s mouth, or, technically, straight from the assistant to the main man’s mouth to our correspondent Andy Todd, all about the next chapter of a remarkable 143-year-old story that has spanned the ages.

Hiya internet pals,

It’s my favourite time of year – it’s the transfer window!

I had to explain to the Captain that it’s not a real window but a figure of speech. I then had to explain that a figure of speech isn’t a real person. Luckily, at that point, he lost interest as it had been raining all day at our world class training facility and the roof was leaking and he wanted to try and catch a raindrop in his mouth. We don’t mind the leaks. The Chairman says the leaks bring the outdoors indoors and, as we play football outdoors, why would we want to be warm and dry when we train, we should train in the same conditions we play? He’s so clever!

The Captain then spotted one of the leaks had caused a huge puddle. He ran over and starting jumping up and down in it shouting “Who makes tha ladies wet? Ah do! Ah do!”. Bless. He was using a figure of speech without even realising it. I was dead proud.

I love the transfer window because it’s a time to make new pals!

Every year my new pals come from far and wide to join the ‘greatest team in history’ and this year we’ve got lots of pals. Its all down to Baden-Powell, our chief scout and pal finder. He’s brilliant. Anyone can watch Sky Sports and spot who’s good in the Premiership or Championship but it takes a real genius to find football stars from the Northern Premier League Division One North.

I did catch him out though when I quizzed him about one division. I’d asked him to help the young lads with their maths homework but he’d didn’t know long division at all. He didn’t even show his working out. I think he did the divisions on a calculator. The big fibber!

Anyways, Powelly had good news last week as he told me that we’re getting loads of new pals! A Polish keeper joined us from a club playing in the Ekstraklasa (which I think is Polish for Northern Premier League Division One North); while we also had a new winger who’s a previous pal of the Boss. It’s amazing how many ex-pals he’s brought in. If I had a pound for every player we’ve been linked to who used to be his pal then I’d be rich. £5!

Sadly, two other new pals couldn’t start right away because the Chairman said it was too late to get them a cheap fare on the Megabus up to Scotland. It would be better to wait until Summer when we can get them here for 99p. The Chairman is canny like that – I heard he doesn’t even go to the toilet because he hates to spend a penny.

The Keeper was worried when he found out one of the new pals was a goalkeeper. The Keeper asked to speak to me. He said: “If we get a new keeper, will this affect my chance of playing for England?”. I said “Don’t be daft, he’s Polish, he can’t play for England!” What a numpty for even asking!

BREAKING NEWS PALS. This one is hot of the press. It’s so new that even Jim White hasn’t exclusively revealed it. We’ve bid for a superstar! A genuine world beater! The Chairman was spotted at Chelsea’s ground in recent weeks. I asked him if he was worried about being spotted when he was trying to be incognito. He replied “It’s a HAZARD of the job.” He can only be hinting at one thing! We’re buying Diego Costa! I’m great at reading between the lines!

Before I go and introduce all my new pals to the Cone Game, I feel it necessary to end this update by putting some rumours to bed. Some people are saying that ‘the greatest club in history’ needs money. In fact, fans even organised a whip round and tried to give me the huge amount of £20.95 last week to pass onto the Chairman, even though he’d never asked for it because he’s so rich. Well, let me be clear, WE DON’T NEED YOUR MONEY nor DO WE WANT YOUR MONEY because everyone knows that the most important thing in life isn’t money, it’s pals – and we’ve got loads of pals!

Yer pal,

The Secret Assistant Manager

Andy Todd
Celtic fan Andrew Todd is the co-author of ‘Jukebook Durie: the best & worst football songs’ – the first book to tell the stories behind the anthems for every team in the UK.

He’s a part-time comedian and in 2014, he supported Eddie Izzard in ‘Please Don’t Go’, Izzard’s show about Scottish independence and worked with BBC Radio Scotland as a weekly guest on Referendum Tonight.

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The Secret Assistant Manager On The January Transfer Window

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