Scottish Comedy FC has acquired the rights to an upcoming best-seller – “The Secret Assistant Manager” – which will tell you what really happens inside Scottish football.

The author has asked us to keep his identity a secret but he continues to tell it straight from the main man’s mouth, or, technically, straight from the assistant to the main man’s mouth to our correspondent Andy Todd, all about the next chapter of a remarkable 143-year-old story that has spanned the ages.

Hiya Internet Pals

All good things must come to an end… except football clubs. They never end. They go on forever with a unbroken history and all of their titles, and that’s a fact!

The final whistle has…

The final whistle has…

Sorry, pals, I keep breaking into tears as I write these words down. I can’t believe this is my last message for you.

Let me try again.

The final whistle has blown and the only thing left for me to do is applaud the Greatest Pals in History before I kick my final water bottle, refuse to shake the opposition’s hand and head down the tunnel one last time.

It’s been a fantastic year for the Greatest Team in History and, with the backing of our Chairman and his massive war chest, we’ll only go from strength to strength. Some people have tried to criticise our Chairman for not opening his warchest but we won the league, the petrol head cup, and the Scottish Cup (no matter what you read in the papers) and we saved a fortune. As the Chairman explained: “It’s not how much you spend, it’s how much you save. And we saved millions by not buying players. In fact, we saved more than any other club. We didn’t buy Messi. That saved £100 million. We didn’t buy Ronaldo. That saved another £100 million. So, that means we saved over £200 million this year.” He’s so wise!

Before I go, the Boss has asked that I mention one thing: if anyone is interested in speaking to him over the Summer then his mobile will be on at all time. Isn’t that nice of him? He’s always willing to talk to people even when he’s on holiday. He really needs a break, you know. Why, just this week I heard him say to Rodney, his agent: “I don’t care where I go as long as I’m not staying here!”

Finally. I have a mystery to clear up. Before starting this column I was worried that people might work out who I was. And, if people knew who I was, then I wouldn’t be able to tell you the truth straight from the assistant to the main man’s mouth. But, I shouldn’t have worried – none of you guessed who I was!

I’ve had emails and messages guessing that I was the Secret Assistant Manager of Aberdeen, Celtic, Dundee, Dundee United, Hamilton Academical, Heart of Midlothian, Inverness Caledonian Thistle, Kilmarnock, Motherwell, Partick Thistle, Ross County or St Johnstone. But you were all wrong.

Others guessed I was at Annan Athletic, Arbroath, Berwick Rangers, Clyde, East Fife, East Stirlingshire, Elgin City, Montrose, Queen’s Park or Stirling Albion, but you were all wrong too.

Some even thought I was the Secret Assistant Manager of Airdrieonians, Albion Rovers, Ayr United, Brechin City, Cowdenbeath, Dunfermline Athletic, Forfar Athletic, Peterhead, Stenhousemuir or Stranraer but you weren’t even close.

And some diddys thought I was at Alloa Athletic, Dumbarton, Falkirk, Greenock Morton, Hibernian, Livingston, Queen of the South, Raith Rovers or St Mirren. But you were all wrong too.

None of you guessed right. You’ll never guess who I am!!!

It’s not just the Chairman who’s smart, right, pals?


Perhaps I should tell you who I am. Perhaps, in this final column, I can share my secret. I feel I owe you that much after all we’ve been through this season in our journey back to the top. If you don’t want to know who I am then look away now. I can exclusively reveal that I am…

Yer pal,

The Secret Assistant Manager

As told to Andy Todd.

The Secret Assistant Manager is now available for Kindle with new and updated tales straight from the assistant to the main man’s mouth. You can buy it for the bargain price of a cone (ice cream variety) here.

Andy Todd
Celtic fan Andrew Todd is the co-author of ‘Jukebook Durie: the best & worst football songs’ – the first book to tell the stories behind the anthems for every team in the UK.

He’s a part-time comedian and in 2014, he supported Eddie Izzard in ‘Please Don’t Go’, Izzard’s show about Scottish independence and worked with BBC Radio Scotland as a weekly guest on Referendum Tonight.

The Secret Assistant Manager Finally Reveals His Identity



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