Scottish Comedy FC has acquired the rights to an upcoming best-seller – “The Secret Assistant Manager” – which will tell you what really happens inside Scottish football.

The author has asked us to keep his identity a secret but he continues to tell it straight from the main man’s mouth, or, technically, straight from the assistant to the main man’s mouth to our correspondent Andy Todd, all about the next chapter of a remarkable 143-year-old story that has spanned the ages.

Hiya Internet Pals,

Do any of you work for Police Scotland? I want to report a crime – on Saturday we woz ROBBED!

I tell you, pals, the opposition mustn’t have got the memo from the SFA which said that we were going to win the Cup. It was a DISGRACE, so it was.

I knew the day might not go well as They Who Must Not Be Named deliberately distracted the lads by announcing on Friday evening that they’d appointed a new manager. The Captain came to see me before kick off. He said: “Is it true tha’ Brendan is their new gaffa?”

“Yes” I said.

“But how will he do the Strictly Come Dancing? He’s my favourite danca!”

“Shagger – it’s not that Brendon!”

“Who tha fook is Brendan then?”

Exactly, pals! Brendan who? He was only the manager of the third best side in Liverpool – after Everton (the second greatest team in history to play in a blue top) and Tranmere. He’s got less cups in his CV than Kate Moss’s bra size. He’s joined a club with a biscuit tin. We’ve got a war chest. There’s nothing to fear there but, sadly, our defenders were distracted. They allowed the opposition to score not just once but three times. It was HORRIBLE – at the final whistle there was even tears in the ref’s eyes. Nobody likes seeing their favourite team lose. It was the end. The journey was over – or so I thought….

But you’ll never guess what happened next. They thought it was all over… then some people were on the pitch… and I thought they were just going to celebrate when their behavior crossed a line – the half way line. It was a full-on invasion. I haven’t seen a stand empty that fast since we beat They Who Can’t Be Named in the semi-final.

People have said that the fans were just celebrating, that they should be excused because they’d waited over 100 years to see their team win a cup. What poppycock! Did the Greatest Fans in The World invade the pitch after waiting 144 years to lift the Petrol Head Cup? No, they didn’t, because they know how to win with DIGNITY!

Quite frankly the fan’s behaviour was a kick in the teeth, a punch in the head, an elbow in the face and a fist in a horse’s arse. I blame the police force. It was definitely the boys in blue who caused the trouble.

As it all kicked off I did what any Secret Assistant Manager would do in the same circumstances. I hid in our dressing room until the pitch was cleared. That showed them because the refs came round and they gave us our medals except, instead of runner-up, they’d crossed it out and they’d written “The Real Winners”. Which we were and which we will be because I’ve complained to the SFA and they said, because it was the Greatest Team in History asking, they would immediately strip the opposition of their trophy and award it to us instead! Watch this space, pals – it’s not over, you can always trust the SFA to see that justice is done!

Yer pal,

The Secret Assistant Manager

As told to Andy Todd

The Secret Assistant Manager is now available for Kindle with new and updated tales straight from the assistant to the main man’s mouth. You can buy it for the bargain price of a cone (ice cream variety) here.

Andy Todd
Celtic fan Andrew Todd is the co-author of ‘Jukebook Durie: the best & worst football songs’ – the first book to tell the stories behind the anthems for every team in the UK.

He’s a part-time comedian and in 2014, he supported Eddie Izzard in ‘Please Don’t Go’, Izzard’s show about Scottish independence and worked with BBC Radio Scotland as a weekly guest on Referendum Tonight.

The Secret Assistant Manager On A Disgraceful Cup Final



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