It’s been an incredible season which has seen Germany become World Champions, Barcelona win the treble and Harry Redknapp finally being questioned for his job performance. Over the next couple of weeks, Scottish Comedy FC’s writers are going to be recounting their top moments from the 2014 World Cup and the 2014/15 season.
Somehow Colin Wanker (anagram of the gentleman pictured above) doesn’t even make the list…
Who has been your bastard of the season?
Andrew Jennings – Iain Todd
The dictionary says a bastard can be defined as “a difficult or awkward undertaking…” as in it was a “bastard of a week”.
This year, there was one undertaking in planet football more difficult than any other – investigating FIFA. One man, Andrew Jennings, was at the forefront of the search for corruption.
He has been an investigative journalist since the 1980’s and during that time he’s worked in war zones, dealt with the mafia and investigated corruption in the Olympic movement. He is the author of “FOUL! The Secret World of FIFA: Bribes, Vote-Rigging and Ticket Scandals” and “Omertà: Sepp Blatter’s FIFA Organised Crime Family.”
When the US authorities arrested high ranking members of FIFA, TV news channels wanted an expert to commentate on the situation. They contacted Andrew. Did he gloat? Did he celebrate after years of FIFA denying his claims? No, he went back to sleep and said he’d deal with the enquiries in the morning. What a guy!
Nigel Pearson – Eddie Cassidy
Before I start here, I have to say that Leicester’s end of season escape was simply superb and all credit has to go to this bastard Nigel Pearson. That being said, there have been a few err… incidents, that have made him my bastard of the season.
First of all his impression of Banzai’s shaky hand man (obsure reference alert!) where he first choked, then refused to let James McArthur go after a clearly accidental collision, quickly followed by his unwarranted comparisons of a journalist to a flightless bird, while trying to use a common turn of phrase.
But the worst came on Leicester’s end of season tour of Thailand where three youth players engaged in and filmed a racist orgy! You could maybe say such behaviour reflects badly on the players in question’s parents rather than their manager but in one case Pearson is both! I mean the first rule of Premier League Racist Orgy Club is you do not film Premier League Racist Orgy Club!
If these boys’ fathers cant even teach them that, well what chance do they have? In seriousness, these three players are complete idiots who deserve to be fired, but will all find new clubs, such is the game we love.
Mike Ashley – Teddy Craig
Despite a spirited attempt on the podcast from Messrs Park & McGuire to get me to switch this to The Artist Formerly Known as Super (Ally), I’m going to stick with my choice of Mike Ashley. The face of Sports Direct (hence the width of their bags) has turned in a remarkable performance this season on both sides of the border.
It’s difficult to match the vitriol Newcastle fans must feel for a man who left John Carver in charge for half a season and oversaw a structure that released Jonas Gutierrez by phone, but the big man’s Scottish exploits make it possible.
I’m old enough to just remember the impact of Robert Maxwell and his multiple club ownerships. Much of this season was like having the former Mirror newspapers magnate attending board meetings, with Derek Llambias as the Ouija board.
Some Random Aberdeen Fan – Daniel Downie
Bastard of the year goes to the guy who was sat next to me in the away end at New Douglas Park. A 3-0 win and brilliant performance from the Dons who extended their unbeaten streak, at that point, to 12 games, was marred only slightly by this congenial chap’s quite desperate attempts to get the attention of the bewildered looking Hamilton fans watching their team implode in front of them.
His renditions of ‘He Shags Who He Wants’ – a reference to rape allegations levelled against David Goodwillie, ‘Ronny Deila is a c*nt’, ‘If you’re watching on the telly you’re a c*nt’, ‘Jimmy Saville is a c*nt’, and ‘every c*nt past, present, dead or alive is a c*nt’ were pretty good (I may have added the last one myself). Looking at me with his bemused face I could see him trying to find a way to join in with my song.
The moment he really became ‘bastard of the year’ was when he started to tease the disabled fan near him. Stealing his hat, constantly touching him on the shoulder, it was all a ‘bit of banter’.
Total and utter bastard – and I still haven’t got my hat back.
Robbie Savage – Michael Park
Let’s get one thing straight first and foremost. No-one but the most reprehensible war criminal would call this git by his self-anointed nickname ‘Sav’ (slang word for a cock in Essex, appropriately).
Robbie Savage is my bastard of the season for one simple reason. He’s shit at his job and he genuinely doesn’t care. I hate the fact that I pay two subscriptions (licence fee and BT Sport) which pay him a wage, only for him then to come out and write a “think-piece” (can such an unthinking charlatan possibly write a “think-piece”?) on the BBC where he basically says “I don’t care if you think I’m shit.” when it’s us- the people who think he’s shit- paying his wages.
The BBC has a mission statement to “Inform, Educate, and Entertain”. Savage fulfills none of these categories, the simpering sav.
Gino Pozzo – Andy Todd
In October 2014 he fired manager, Billy McKinlay, after just eight days in charge, and two matches – both of which McKinlay won.
McKinlay should have known his managerial career would be short. He was the third manager of the club in just 28 days. But after eight days he was replaced by Slaviša Jokanović.
They say that if you make a mistake once, it becomes a lesson. Make a mistake twice and it becomes a choice. But make the same mistake three times and… you get promoted to the Premier League and become £120 million richer. McKinlay’s replacement, Jokanović, successfully guided the club to second place in the Championship. Not that this saved him the axe – Pozzo fired him too in May after he asked for more money.
Who was your bastard of the season? Let us know in the comments!
He is the editor of this fine site and a regular on the Scottish Comedy FC Podcast despite refusing to go anywhere near Owen's house.
He supports Kilmarnock and is a comedian to no-one but himself.
