In recent years publishing has seen many books written by insiders titled “The Secret… Something”. There’s ‘The Secret Footballer’ which tells you how rich footballers are. ‘The Secret Agent’ which tells you how rich footballers are and ‘The Secret WAG’ which tells you how rich… you get the idea.

These books by and large reveal no secrets about the game – but that’s all about to change! Scottish Comedy FC has acquired the rights to an upcoming best-seller – “The Secret Assistant Manager” – which will tell you what really happens inside Scottish football.

You’ll hear first-hand about the training sessions where every player gives 100% every single minute of every single day – even on a Monday morning when most normal folk check Facebook, Twitter and BBC News before starting work. You’ll hear about the Powerpoint sessions where the manager makes the slides fly in and out of the screen like a 3D movie. You’ll hear about the chairman’s warchest (solid oak, never opened). It’s sensational.

The author has asked us to keep his identity a secret but in coming months you’ll hear it straight from the main man’s mouth, or, technically, straight from the assistant to the main man’s mouth, all about the next chapter of a remarkable 143-year-old story that has spanned the ages. You’ll never believe who it is!

Monday, 10th August 2015

The Chairman called last night. He asked to reverse the charges. I accept the call as he’s told me he has a massive warchest of money and will pay me back once he finds the key. Very smart. If I had a war chest I’d hide the key too otherwise anyone could open it.

He asks whether we’ve signed any players. I tell him we’d followed his instructions and only got free ones. He asks why, if they’re free, an agent has phoned up asking for wages. The big daftie. He doesn’t understand free means there’s no transfer fee. You still have to pay the players a wage. He mutters something about checking whether he has to pay them when they’re on holiday and hangs up.

I head into work early. The Boss likes an early start. He claims he works 24 hours a day on our “Revolution” but I’ve caught him napping round the back of the bins.

The Boss has a great idea. He said: “Let’s show the lads some slides!”.

I said, “Great idea, boss, but Alton Towers is shut”.

“No, I mean PowerPoint slides. Everyone loves PowerPoint. Before I got into football I regularly got up at 6am to prepare PowerPoint slides. The lads will love it.”

“I’m not sure, boss,” I said, “Our captain will be very disappointed he’s not getting a go on the Smiler”.

“Never mind that, he’s getting something better – he’s getting clip art! Fire up the laptop, we’ve got work to do!”

Next thing I know we’ve got the whole squad in our “world class training facility.” When the Boss brings out his laptop one of the lads shout:

“Gonnae switch on Brazzers.”

I bet its one of the younger players. Bless. He still thinks we can afford to pay for porn. Time have changed, it’s Pornhub or nothing these days.

The Boss calls for silence.

“I want to give you a PowerPoint”

“Is that what Willie Collum does with his red card?” asks one of the players.

“No.” says the boss

“Yer a Willie Collum” giggles the captain

“Yer maw loves a Willie Collum” adds another voice.

This continues for 10 minutes. Which is a new record. Last time it lasted an hour.

“SHUT IT!” shouts the Boss eventually, “This is serious. I’ve prepared a slideshow. Hand out the printouts”

I give the lads a copy of the slideshow. The captain tries to eat his. I ignore him. He just wants attention.

While I hand out the slides, unstapled as we’ve run out of staples in the office, The Boss gives an inspirational speech:

“Now lads, settle down and listen, this is important, I’m going to read you every word from these slides in the most monotone fashion while you lot try and stay awake. It’ll be brilliant.”

The lads look impressed. Well, awake. Which is a start.

That’s when the Boss says:

“Does anyone know how to make the slides go forward?”

Inspirational stuff. Viva la revolution!

Yer pal,

The Secret Assistant Manager

As told to Andy Todd.

Andy Todd
Celtic fan Andrew Todd is the co-author of ‘Jukebook Durie: the best & worst football songs’ – the first book to tell the stories behind the anthems for every team in the UK.

He’s a part-time comedian and in 2014, he supported Eddie Izzard in ‘Please Don’t Go’, Izzard’s show about Scottish independence and worked with BBC Radio Scotland as a weekly guest on Referendum Tonight.


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