Rivalry or Hatred? Love or Hatred? Hibee Richard Hunter opens his heart on Hearts.

As I said in my last post I’m a Hibee and as a result I’m programmed to hate anything Maroon. I haven’t had a bloody Jam Tart for 20 years as it would taste like the bitter resentment of my forefathers. There is a reason I hate Hearts, but I’ll be f*cked if i know what it is…..

Lets face, it the greatest rivalries in Football are usually down to one simple fact. They live kinda close to us!

Obviously there are reasons of religion, oppression, success, jealousy or just plain boredom but within my own dynamic it seems it’s just because everyone else does. Much like how people claim a person is only racist due to their family. I don’t hate Hearts because they were founded by Protestants and Hibernian by Catholics, it’s not because they have undermined our achievements (Scottish cup aside, they seem to constantly praise us for that one. Or at least I assume thats what the 2000 or so troglodytes in the corner of Easter Road, trying to hold out until half-time to use the bathroom as they can’t quite muster the energy to pick their knuckles up yet, are singing about). I don’t hate them because they’re sucessful. There is one obvious reason for that. I don’t count splitting the Old Firm then getting f*cked in Europe – whilst steamrollering the club to almost bankruptcy – a success. I wouldn’t imagine I was jealous. I don’t think I’d be happier if an eccentric millionaire took over at Easter Road to publicise his bank in the UK, and – despite the Scottish Cup win a few years back – I dont think they really are that far in front of us anyway.

Here’s the kicker. Although right now, Jambos, I should be sitting back smug as f*ck at the situation comedy that is Vlad and the wage evaders, Tynecastle potentially having to be sold, and players demanding to leave… I find myself worried. As a Hibs fan it’s a definite moral dilemma. Whilst I take joy in the misery of any Jambo (football related obviously, im not cheering and laughing if one stubs his toe on the dining room table…. actually that I would laugh at, but I’m only human), I cant help feeling there is a serious change about to happen. Motion may have already been put in place that the average football punter won’t see, but there must be a time coming when Romanov will do something exceptionally eccentric, or just decide he has had enough and truly push the club over the brink. I don’t believe he has any emotional attachment to Hearts ( either team or organ to be honest). Despite punting a shed load of cash into the club, he is a business man above all else. He will only ever look to make a profit, something that is almost impossible to do in Scottish Football these days. Therefore, if an opportunity arises where he can make money – do you think he would take it? Or would he decide against it as he loves the team and the fans so dearly? If you answered the latter then you’re either wearing Maroon, or a straight jacket. And yes, apparently there is a difference.

So? Who the hell are you to get up on your high horse, I hear you ask? Well, whilst you are quite correct in wondering what right I have to care about my rivals and why I shouldnt just shut up and leave it alone, I speak because……

I apologise, but this will be hard to write.

I DO NOT WANT HEARTS TO COLLAPSE.

Now, if i stood outside a hospital shouting that I’d just be seen as a little quirky but generally good-natured, despite knowing very little about how the cardiac muscle actually works. If i was to shout that outside Easter Road I’d probably get away with looks of disgust or maybe a slap. The worst part is that if I was to shout this at a family gathering I reckon I’d be disowned. Or, at the very least, my inheritance would become very very little. More than likely an H.O.M scarf as a hilarious “comedy gift”. Actually scrap that, none of them would be able to stomach buying one in the first place.

So, ye great unwashed of Gorgie, the distillery smelling crack-pipe of Scotland’s East and Edinburgh’s West. If you really want my advice (Yes, i know you dont, but I’m the one typing so just finish the bloody article, theres only a little bit left) either start to move Romanov out or start saving some of your dole money each week as the club will probably need saving within 5 years. The sad part is I’ll chip in my £10 to help as well, after all, what’s Batman without The Joker? Superman without Lex Luthor? Craig Thomson without the Procurator Fiscal?

I’ll help to save the club, then gloat for the few years that you’re stuck coming back up through the divisions as the SFA had to demote you. Then I’ll secretly smile when you get back to the SPL because I know I’ll get my Derby Day rivalry and blood-pumping hatred back again. How many Hearts fans would help out the Green and White if we were in the same situation? And that truly was a Rhetorical question. We’re fine for cash, some bloke at Ukio bankas gave us an amazing 5 year fixed-bond rate. I guess the bright side is your new shirt sponser (Wonga.com) can always help you out with a little short term loan, at a very reasonable rate!
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About the Author
Richard Hunter did his first stand-up gig in 2007, and that experience turned out to be so amazing he didn’t set foot on stage again until 2009. In Australia. After 2 years of travelling around the land Down Under (leave that joke alone) he came back to Britain and started gigging 9 months after his return. Apparently it takes time to get of your arse and look for gigs, plus it was best if he waited until his teeth stopped chittering. He has been taking stand up seriously for around 8 months now and has written for News Jack on BBC radio 4 and is to be seen in new BBC Three comedy drama Pram Face. Although if you go to make a cup of tea you will probably miss him. He is a lifelong Hibernian fan/sufferer who sincerely believes that he will see Hibs lift the Scottish Cup before he gets married, but please don’t pass on that information to his current girlfriend as she may want to be married before 2050.

“Richard’s greatest asset is his ability to read and entertain the audience“
Edinburgh Evening News

“A class act, it wont be long before he is seen on his own rather than supporting others“
Melbourne HeraldSun

“Can you please clean your room and do the bloody dishes“
Every person I’ve ever lived with. 1990-Present

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