Richard Hunter’s SPL Overhaul

Ok, lets start by saying the main joke in this article is the SPL itself. Every fan understands that money has gone out the game due to some outstanding decisions at a board level – I mean seriously who could have predicted Setanta wouldn’t work. Lets put all the games Sky cant get on tv and charge people for one channel, why go with the 4 channel and quality entertainment of Sky…. Oh, thats right, we all could have probably seen that coming.

Money aside, does anyone else feel that along with the bank accounts draining quicker than John Terry’s bank account marked “lawyers fund” the other thing to drain out the SPL is the fun? ( I think that will be my last rhetorical question, its just too Sex and the City, Oh google it!)

Lets take the major thing I have a gripe with, the format. More importantly the SPL split! Since 2005 only one year has resulted in the team finishing in 7th place not ending up on more points than the team in 6th, that year it was the Mighty Hibee’s in 6th. It can’t only be me that thinks this format is utter sh*t? Not so long ago there was talk of a 16-team, or a 14-team, 2-tier system, but has anything further been announced? I know that this stuff takes a crap-load of planning and all that, but surely it can’t just have died in the water because a few teams moaned that they wouldn’t get the big cash pay out of the Old Firm visiting twice a year. Whilst we’re on that point, why are football fans allowing the powers that be to decide matters on purely a financial basis? (ok, maybe a few more rhetorical questions) Is there anyone else that would take a little less cash revenue into their club for some fun and excitement in the PREMIER league of your country. Whilst a 16 team league might be the future, why stop there? Let’s consider a world without big-time bankers at the helms of clubs, lets pretend the SPL could be fun, let’s pretend finances aren’t the only reason to be in football and get our heads together. Here are my ideas, all 1 of them. Aww come on, its a start.

1) If we are going to go all American with the split theory then why not adopt a Superbowl-style plan for the SPL, or rather the SSPL (Scottish Soccer – it hurt me typing that if I’m honest – Premier League).

32 teams form the first 3 divisions in Scotland, so all the teams from these divisions would form a 32-team league. A super league if you will. Each team would play each other once. Yes, I typed once, but it’s not about money and before you claim the unfairness of who gets home and away games, it’ll work much like it does just now. If you end up on other sides of the split at the moment then you play that team 3 times in a year. 2 away and 1 at home, but the following year it reverses, unless of course you end up in the same side of the split and then it’s 4 games that year…before possibly reverting back again the following year! I hope you followed that. I just about did. So, as i said, 32 teams facing each other once each. Then, after the 31 regular season games ( you cant play yourself chaps) the league splits once again. Top 16 and Bottom 16. But this time its straight knockout cup competition for both the title and relegation to the bottom tier of Scottish Football, Currently Div 3, but in this world Div 2.

That would mean a 35-game season, 3 less than the status quo. This would even give time to slip in a wee winter-break that everyone seems to crave so much. The Scottish Cup would clearly run along side with this and then there would be an amazing climax to the Scottish season, not only the Cup final but the title decider. If you really want to mix it up have a 4 team play-off for 3rd to 6th places to decide the other European places. Obviously I don’t think this would provide the major upsets you think it would, more than likely Rangers and Celtic would make the top 16 each year and if we introduce a seeding system, much like Wimbledon, the “play-offs” can be structured so the old firm can be set on opposite sides of the draw so that a final between them can be set up if they beat the other teams in the top 16. This means there is a vested interest all year round, Possibly not for you Div 2 (I’m adopting the new league system already) fans, but for you O’ve thought of this: 4-team promotion. That way the bottom teams can also have a fight over the 4 weeks after the split. I’m not sure how to work that other than if you win the game then you DONT proceed in the draw, or if it makes more sense that the bottom 4 at the time of the split are relegated. TOUGH SH*T you’re out, and the other 12 above you can get an early vacation. If 4 teams go up there is a constant threat at the bottom and a constant chance of new blood coming in – look at the English Premier league. There have been teams promoted over the past 10 years that have regularly popped up in places they had no right being (Newcastle currently) or have great victories that no-one could have seen from the “new boys”. Burnley beating Man Utd 1-0 in 2009 just a few weeks after promotion springs to mind.

I know this would never happen and sadly its all down to the money aspect of the game, who wants 450 East Fife fans turning up once a year when 5000 Glaswegians would be so much better. I think this could be off-set against the fact that I’d go and watch the games with more of a cheer in my face and spring in my step. Knowing that it all doesn’t really matter until March. All year round optimism and thinking “I hope the draw is kind to us” or ” we really want that 4th spot so we can avoid being on Rangers’/Celtic’s/Aberdeen’s side of the draw” or “I hope we get the 3rd spot so we can get Rangers’/Celtic/Aberdeen before the final and pump them”.

Also, given this Superbowl style of arranging the outcome surely it makes it more marketable to big American TV companies. I reckon they would pay, ooh I don’t know at least $40 to get the TV rights. (and no, ‘million’ wasn’t missing from that sentence!)

I know I’m dreaming, but wouldn’t it be a more marketable product at the end of the year, rather than getting to Jan and knowing only 2 teams have a chance of winning? (and even them its only some years). I think the whole of the game could benefit, whilst I’ll accept there may be some flaws, and that the smaller SPL teams would financially lose out, they would get the chance of winning each year. As the old cliche goes, anything can happen in a one off game. So why couldn’t Falkirk slip in to the top part of the SSPL and then get a great run of form for the last 6 games that sees them lift the SSPL trophy? Why couldn’t the same be said of any of the teams outside Glasgow who right now are sitting in despair knowing that the chances of beating the wealth of Glasgow over a season in which you have to play them 4 times is almost impossible? It’s a sad state of affairs that we enter the league every year and don’t rightly think we can win it!

It’s now I realise that the main joke of this article isn’t the SPL but the SSPL, as it will only ever be a pipe dream, thought up by some Hibs fan in his flat on a Tuesday night. It will never happen, and why? Probably because it has Soccer in the title.

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About the Author

Richard Hunter did his first stand-up gig in 2007, and that experience turned out to be so amazing he didn’t set foot on stage again until 2009. In Australia. After 2 years of travelling around the land Down Under (leave that joke alone) he came back to Britain and started gigging 9 months after his return. Apparently it takes time to get of your arse and look for gigs, plus it was best if he waited until his teeth stopped chittering. He has been taking stand up seriously for around 8 months now and has written for News Jack on BBC radio 4 and is to be seen in new BBC Three comedy drama Pram Face. Although if you go to make a cup of tea you will probably miss him. He is a lifelong Hibernian fan/sufferer who sincerely believes that he will see Hibs lift the Scottish Cup before he gets married, but please don’t pass on that information to his current girlfriend as she may want to be married before 2050.  

“Richard’s greatest asset is his ability to read and entertain the audience“
Edinburgh Evening News

“A class act, it wont be long before he is seen on his own rather than supporting others“
Melbourne HeraldSun

“Can you please clean your room and do the bloody dishes“
Every person I’ve ever lived with. 1990-Present