The time has finally arrived. The new season, the brave new world of every league, the stench of raw sexual energy as it ripples through the stands.

That means you’ll be on the lookout for new football ‘kit’, ‘clobber’ and ‘stuff’ to satiate your lust for sporting goods. Of course, that’s all gone now and this will be the last Football Kit Round-up until next year, unless something truly disgusting comes out. So let’s make it a good one, eh?

5. Manchester United


Anyone who doubted our ability to look at a leaked top on another website, save it and post it here will be eating their words when they see the new Man Utd shirt. As I said at the time, this marks the first shirt Adidas has made for the Red Devils since 1992 and it does have a hint of the template about it. However its retro musical stylings will probably go down well with fans.

4. Reading


There’s a problem with this shirt, and I don’t think I’m intelligent enough to know what it is. I think, aside from the colour (African Violet I’ll have you know) which doesn’t do it any favours, that it might be the fit. It looks like it’s being stretched over the shoulders while being far too long on the sleeves. All in all, a fantastic return to shit form for Puma after a summer of largely getting it right.

Listen to the latest Scottish Comedy FC Podcast!

3. Everton


Oh, Umbro. You beautiful bastards. This 3rd kit has basically no connection with anything Everton have had before but it’s an incredibly simple, incredibly attractive kit.

2. Mainz


Right, come on now Lotto. You’ve already got the crown of the WORST KIT EVER thanks to your stinking Photoshop filter job for Sturm Graz, but now they’ve done a number on Mainz who play in a league which people might actually see. Lotto turn out some really nice stuff but whoever the work experience kid was that they let loose on this one, they should be detained without trial until they’re old enough to know better.

1. Central Coast Mariners


Err… I mean… it’s not nice is it? If I was to take every kind of terrible stereotype, then it’s a very Australian shirt. It’s actually the shorts which look like they’re cut off versions of MC Hammer’s parachute pants which really ruin it for me.


Can’t touch this…

New Kit Round-Up! Featuring Man Utd, Everton & Reading



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