Dear Scotland Team.
I don’t love you anymore.
I’d like to say “It’s not you, it’s me” but in this case its not me. IT’S DEFINITELY YOU.
I remember back in 1986 when we first met. You were fun and exciting. You hung out in foreign places like Argentina with cool friends such as Denmark, West Germany and Uruguay. I was aged 9 and you used to thrill me in the bedroom…<That didn’t come out right> Let me clarify – the kick off for the world cup was late at night and I had to watch from my bed.
You used to wear sexy clothes. Remember that racy pink number? WOW. That still give me a thrill now. I know you claimed it was salmon coloured but I know it was pink to make the girls wink. You experimented with yellow. It really brought out the color of your thighs. Now what do you wear? White! White is the color of England. If I wanted to wear the strip of a team that perpetually fails in major tournaments then I’d buy our home top.
I’m seeing someone else! SORRY I just had to blurt it out!
It was just a fling. A wild passionate…sorry I don’t mean to rub it in. It was a fling that meant nothing. I went to a World Cup without you. It was Germany 2006 and you didn’t feel up to it so I sneaked off to a younger model. The US of A.
Why am I telling you now? I feel guilty because I was caught cheating. I was in Berlin and a little bit drunk when I asked a taxi driver to take me to a nightclub. I was wearing my USA top, a USA Stetson, and had my USA flag with me as I was celebrating the end of the world cup campaign. He drove for what seemed like hours until he was at factory in the middle of nowhere! This was a strange place for a nightclub but a good place for a taxi murder to kill his victims! He pointed towards the factory and said the words “club. dance. good”
I was doubtful but I headed off to the factory. As I got closer I heard music. This must be one of those factory parties Germany was famous for. A place where cool people had impromptu parties. It would be a one off spectacular that I would remember until my dying days. The music got louder and LOUDER. I paid the bouncer 30 Euros. Expensive but I knew it would be worth it for such an amazing experience. I walked in and stopped…The dance floor was empty other than two women dancing. Oh well. At least there were women here. I walked closer. Oh NO. It couldn’t be. These two aren’t women. Those skirts aren’t skirts. It was two members of the Tartan Army dressed in kilts.
“Scottish?” I asked.
“Aye! USA?” – they replied
“Naw” was all I needed to say. They could hear my Scottishness immediately. They looked at me in my USA top, my Stetson hat and just said
“Get Tae F….!”
I feel better now that I’ve told you. Did I mention you have been looking better lately? How about a fling in Brazil 2014?
Your Faithfully
Iain Todd – ex Tartan Army (supporter number 22374)
You can download/listen/subscribe to the Scottish Comedy FC podcast HERE
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About the Author
Iain “Toddinho” Todd mistakenly believes he could have been a professional footballer if only the ‘The Claude Makelele role’ had been invented in the 1980’s. Unfortunately his ability to be neither a defender or a midfielder meant he could often be found on the bench. His greatest achievement was a match winning hat trick which the local paper reported as been scored by his twin brother and his brother wasn’t even playing that day. He recently celebrated 25 years of playing 5 aside footy and has nothing to show for it other than a dodgy hip.
Iain Todd graduated from Charlie Ross’s comedy class and has subsequently shown why Charlie should fail some students. He does open spots as one half of “The Brothers Todd” – the third best comedy twin
act in the world! Only three comedy twin acts are in the world so they are also the world’s worst. They make Jedward look talented.
He stalks celebrities at @iainmacivertodd
