By Richard Hunter
So, the big day is here. No, I’m afraid I don’t mean National Gorilla Suit day (seriously, that is a thing) or the 406th anniversary of Guy Fawkes’ unfortunate separation, that separation being his head from his shoulders by a fairly sharp axe. Of course, I mean it’s transfer deadline day. The day all football fans get to say “look, stuff your Coronation Street, I need to watch Sky Sports News to see if we are going to sign Messi” and obviously by that I mean “Oh, ok, you can watch whatever you want dear, but could I maybe check my channel during the adverts?”.

Neil reacts badly to the news Joey Barton's just got a retweet from Stephen Fry.
I know you’re also thinking, ok, this is your second article in 2 days (Honestly, thats how confident I am people are eager to read my stuff) and yet, so far, you haven’t mentioned the fact your team (Hibs) are rubbish and that their defence is leakier than a Warnock dressing room full of Twitter-users. So, here it is. Hibernian at the moment are playing like someone taking a first date to a Jerry Sadowitz gig. Bl**dy nerve racking and at any moment something is going to cross the line. The horrendously sad irony is that I can’t defend my team at this moment in time, but I can improve them. So, along with some rather stupid transfer window suggestions I’m going to start with my 3 suggestions to help Hibs beat the drop and win the Scottish Cup. Then, having taken all this knowledge I have passed to them onboard…they’ll hire me as the club’s new chief scout on £250k a year. Ok, I may have gone too far down that road of stupid signings.

Stevenage's Mark Roberts modelling his 'Village of the Damned' tribute hair.
1) Mark Roberts of Stevenage
Where has this one come from, I hear you ask. You expected me to type Messi, Ronaldo and Xavi in here didn’t you? well, despite being one of only two Scottish clubs in a decent financial situation, I’m not sure that we could afford them, thats obviously the only reason they’d say no. It’s definitely just the money, Barca really aren’t that big a club anyway.

So, Mark Roberts. for the last 3 years he has been a stalwart at the Borough and being 28 years old he would add some much needed experience in the Hibs back line. not only that he has chipped in with goals (6 last season and 5 so far this season) I realise its sad when i’m looking at League 1 players for a BIG january signing, but I’m well aware of who our chairman is. There is very little chance of the cheque book ( Do they still use Cheque books? I think we need to update this expression but flash the Chip and Pin probably doesn’t scan as well) Stevenage currently sit 6th in League one and have one of the best defences in the league (25 goals conceded). Second only to high flying Charlton( 19 goals conceded). There is a very realistic chance we could prise him away for less money than we spent sending Colin Calderwood away. Wage demands should be bearable and the icing on the cake is that he is of the ginger haired persuasion,. He must surely always have wanted to live up North so he could fit in as one of us. (please no-one email him about the bullying and general laughter. He might think all Scots are nice to gingers)

Jack Lewis. He's the one in red. I know, I know, we're patronising you. Who among you isn't familiar with the current Neath FC squad?
2)Jack Lewis of Neath FC
“Despite being just 23 Jack made nearly 100 appearances for the Seasiders and is widely regarded as one of the most consistent left backs in the Welsh Premier League”

I’ll admit that quote is actually from the Neath FC website, so may be a little one sided, but looking at his stats and that of Neath’s over the past three seasons I’m a little shocked he hasn’t made a move up a little sooner, he is not only a very consistent left back, he has pace and a wise head. Something sadly lacking at Hibernian at the moment. With him only being 24 this year there is an opportunity for re-sale value and a decent life at Hibernian if he works out. I’d like to imagine we’d never sell on a player but who am I kidding there.

Surely Neath can’t complete with our budget and despite him again being a regular in the side and possibly one of the first names on the team sheet, I can’t see why we couldn’t persuade them to part with him for £100K or so. His contract isn’t that long and again I am sure we could compete on personal terms.

Nicola Donazzan. He appears to be an Italian version of Dundee Utd's John Rankin.
3) Nicola Donazzan of Sassuolo
Ok, I’ll admit that this one might be a little ambitious. Right now his team are top of Serie B and looking like they could reach Serie A with a bit of luck and if Torino’s poor form holds for a little longer. I still think that this youngster (Alright, not that young at 27 but I’m 28 and still want be referred to as youngster. It never happens though.) may fancy a move to Leith. He is in one of those strange co-ownership deals in Italy that only the smaller team seems to benefit from, and I think if you offered a decent amount of money you would get a player that spent 3 years at Inter. He could sort out the lapse of concentration and organisation in the Hibs back line at present. If he plays very well and helps Hibernian to win the Scottish Cup – or even stay in the league – then maybe, just maybe, people will forget his name is Nicola and stop taking the p*ss.

So there you have it, 3 defenders, of varying quality who would easily be available at a price… as are all players really. Can big Rod Petrie splash the cash and show the fans that a tiny little bit of debt might not be such a bad thing when it means thousands of fans returning to the stadium at £20 each? Sadly, I sincerely doubt it. I realise that this has all been a little too serious so far, so here are my 5 stupid transfers to watch out for today. Happy hunting to all the managers and scouts… and please God, don’t let Demba Ba leave Newcastle and make Rod Petrie flash the chip and pin. (Yeah!) [Richard’s also a Toon fan. Ed.]

1) Cristiano Ronaldo signs for Falkirk. Elton John’s playing at their stadium later this year, no harm adding another demanding diva into the mix.

2) Ian Black leaves Hearts for Stoke City just because his now infamous love of painting leads him to a lucrative deal playing with Stoke City and their new stand sponsor Seddon. (think Dulux but only in the Stoke area)

3) Barry Ferguson returns to Scotland to play for Motherwell, purely so he can tell people that he’s “Captain of the Steelmen” and imagine it makes him a character from an Xbox game.

4) David Beckham moves to Queens Park, just to get a bit of practise on the pitch before Team GB take to the Hampden turf for the Olympics this year.

5)Someone in Scotland signs Derek Riordan. (OK, I admit this one has pushed the surreal too far)

HAPPY DEADLINE DAY EVERYONE! I wish you all good luck, but please don’t phone your club to alert them of Jack Lewis of Neath FC’s availability.

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About the Author

Richard Hunter did his first stand-up gig in 2007, and that experience turned out to be so amazing he didn’t set foot on stage again until 2009. In Australia. After 2 years of travelling around the land Down Under (leave that joke alone) he came back to Britain and started gigging 9 months after his return. Apparently it takes time to get of your arse and look for gigs, plus it was best if he waited until his teeth stopped chittering. He has been taking stand up seriously for around 8 months now and has written for News Jack on BBC radio 4 and is to be seen in new BBC Three comedy drama Pram Face. Although if you go to make a cup of tea you will probably miss him. He is a lifelong Hibernian fan/sufferer who sincerely believes that he will see Hibs lift the Scottish Cup before he gets married, but please don’t pass on that information to his current girlfriend as she may want to be married before 2050. As well as the Cabbage & Ribs, Richard is also a big Newcastle Utd fan.  

Richard’s greatest asset is his ability to read and entertain the audience
Edinburgh Evening News

A class act, it wont be long before he is seen on his own rather than supporting others
Melbourne HeraldSun

Can you please clean your room and do the bloody dishes
Every person I’ve ever lived with. 1990-Present

Hibs fan Richard Hunter takes charge in the transfer window!

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