‘Dear Scottish Comedy FC’ is football’s first and only Agony Uncle! We’re not one of those creepy uncles who you only see at Christmas, stinking of booze, staggering around the dance floor before making a pass at your wife. No: ‘Dear SCFC’ is the awesome uncle who gives you money for your birthday, gets you into the football for free and buys you a cheeky beer when your parents aren’t looking.
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Can you recommend Christmas presents for football fans?
Let me start with – If you don’t know what to get a friend for Xmas then you don’t know them well enough to buy them a present!
If you do insist on buying every Tom, Dick or Facebook friend something then here is Dear SCFC’s guide to Christmas.
In 1999, Dear Scottish Comedy FC, graduated from university. The Principal said we were a millennium class and this would be commemorated with a brick wall with all our names on it. This gesture would have been amazing if the wall hadn’t been the new toilet block.
Football clubs love bricks. They use them to prey on the gullible… umm…. I meant prey on loyal supporters who personalise the brick with a short message. It’s great until you try to find a brick. Have you tried to find a name in a wall of 1000 bricks? It’s next to impossible! It’s like a brick version of “Where’s Wally?” but it wally is the man who bought one.
If you want a present that will date well then buy a calendar. Dear SCFC recommend Joe Hart’s calendar which is described as “Great images of Joe in action on the pitch, posing for the camera and playing a round of Golf.” Pictures of him playing golf? He’s a goalkeeper. Use pictures of him goalkeeping! It’s like buying a page 3 calendar from The Sun and finding out January has actual news rather than a naked lady.
Football is a macho game of sweat and tears. If you could bottle it you’d make most Premiership clubs sell a club branded bottle of “Eau de Sport.” Cristiano Ronaldo has released his own scent. It stinks. He missed a trick. He should have called it “Chanel No. 7”
A couple of years ago £20,ooo a week Premier League star Liam Ridgewell was pictured using cash instead of toilet roll. He was wiping his arse with £20 notes. He must have misheard the phrase money to burn and thought it was money to bum. The only more grossly offensive place Dear SCFC can think of sticking cash is into a football club. Don’t buy shares in your club as a Christmas present!
During an auction of memorabilia a Ryan Giggs jersey was sold. It was the home strip that he wore when he scored a famous solo goal against arsenal in the FA Cup. There was only one problem – he wore an away strip that day! So avoid signed items unless you actually handed over your own pen for the signing.
If after all that you are still stuck for ideas then buy a cat/dog as a present and stick a football top on them. Remember an animal is not just for Christmas. The animal shelter doesn’t open till January so you’ll have to put up with them for New Year too.