‘Dear Scottish Comedy FC’ is football’s first and only Agony Uncle!  We’re not one of those creepy uncles who you only see at Christmas, stinking of booze, staggering around the dance floor before making a pass at your wife. No: ‘Dear SCFC’ is the awesome uncle who gives you money for your birthday, gets you into the football for free and buys you a cheeky beer when your parents aren’t looking.

Each week we will do our best to help those who can’t help themselves. If you have a problem (real or completely made up), send it to us using the form at the bottom of the article.

Dear Scottish Comedy Football Club,

My son is unemployed and I’m concerned he’ll never get a job.

Yesterday, I found him in his bedroom wearing a full Tottenham Hotspur strip – top, shorts and socks.  He was throwing darts at a dartboard but on it he had placed a picture of new Fulham Head Coach Steve Clarke!

What should I do?

Mrs Sherwood

How the flippin’ heck has Steve Clarke got a new job? He’s had more clubs than a golf pro and has about as much charisma as cheese on toast.

If Fulham were looking for a man with experience of running a London based club then there’s surely only one Tim for the job. Fulham have struggled for goals this season and if there’s one thing Tim know its Emmanuel Adebayor’s phone number!

So don’t give up hope Mrs Sherwood. I’m sure a club will sign up young Tim soon. Watford go through a new one every few months so there’s bound to be a vacancy soon.

Dear SCFC,

I have a theory.

Guy Fawkes tried to blow up Parliament.

Al Qaeda tries to blow up Planes.

Jordanian bombers used Printers

The shoe bomber used Plimsoles,

The Glasgow Airport bombing took place not in Glasgow but in Paisley.

ISIS attacked Paris.

If Sesame Street had to associate a letter with terrorism it would be the letter P. Is the letter P at the root of all evil?


F. Mulder

Don’t be daft! The letter P is not the signifier of all things evil! But then again… is it a coincidence that the demise of modern football can be linked to the creation of the Premiership?

Dear SCFC,

Is it possible to build a lego Stadium?

Lego Fan

Yes –

If I had a spare £300 then I’d buy one. Not of my team but of their rivals, then I’d then crush it under my feet while screeching like Godzilla! Ahahahahahahaha!

‘Dear SCFC’ is willing to offer advice to any fans so if you have a problem, your manager’s giving you jip, your star striker is more concerned with Dutch pancakes than Cruyff turns or you just want someone to listen to you, email us using the form below.

Follow Scottish Comedy Football Club on Twitter for more on Scottish football and beyond: @ScotComFC

Iain Todd
Iain Todd is the co-author of the football book "Jukebox Durie." The only guide to the songs sung by every UK football team. He also co-authored "Fat Minister's Question Time" the only book to poke fun at the Scottish referendum campaign. He avoids the stage so instead his "comedy" is photo shopping images for his and twitter's amusement...mostly his.

Dear SCFC: ‘Steve Clarke Has The Charisma Of Cheese On Toast’



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