‘Dear SCFC’ is Football’s first and only Agony Uncle! We’re not one of those creepy uncles who you only see at Christmas, stinking of booze, staggering around the dance floor before making a pass at your wife. No: ‘Dear SCFC’ is the awesome uncle who gives you money for your birthday, gets you into the football for free and buys you a cheeky beer when your parents aren’t looking.
Each week we will do our best to help those who can’t help themselves. If you have a problem (real or completely made up), send it to us using the form at the bottom of the article.
Dear SCFC,
Which is the most boring league club in Scotland? I don’t mean the team who play boring football, I mean the club itself.
They’re so forgettable that if you were to list all the SPFL clubs from memory, they’d be last. Never done anything, never won anything, no one hates them – the Scottish Gillingham.
From @GlennyRodge
In 1996 Britain was alarmed by an outbreak of “mad cow” disease, American were gripped by The O J Simpson Murder trial but one story was more newsworthy than either of those. Gillingham FC declared celery an offensive weapon. Celery the most inoffensive of vegetables that it takes more energy to eat it then it gives to you in eating was declared vegetable-non-gratis.
Fans of the club had been attending games with the “offensive weapon” stuffed down their trousers. Stewards were ordered to search fans for the item which led to many of them having to say “is that a celery in your pants or are you just pleased to see me?”
Unusually for an offensive weapon it was not used to attack opposition fans but it was being used to taunt their own player. Jim Stannard, at 16st 6lb, would be bombarded with celery at every home game. This was often preceded by a chant known as the Celery Song, which much like Monty Pythons song “spam” had a chant that just repeated the same phrase again and again to the tune of “Wembley, Wembley.”
Despite this “interesting fact” the club is intrinsically boring. A 2003 Football Fans Census revealed that no other team’s supporters considered Gillingham to be their club’s rivals.
So to answer your question who is the team most like Gillingham?
Initially I thought Partick Thistle as their boringness once saved my life. Walking along the east end of Glasgow a man jumped out in front of me, he grabbed me and threatened me with a knife. He demanded to know who I supported. I thought there was 50/50 chance if I said Celtic he might attack so I said Partick Thistle. He looked confused. Let me go and wandered off.
This year they introduced the world to Kinglsey, the club mascot, who is the scariest mascot in football history which means they have done something interesting. They can’t therefore be the most boring side.
Instead the honour goes to a side based in one of the least visited areas of Scotland.
People visit the Highlands for the scenery and whisky, the North East has oil, the Central belt has cities and the South East is famed for rugby but one area is largely neglected – Dumfries and Galloway.
I therefore nominate one team as Scotland’s most boring – Stranraer F.C. The town has a population of barely 11,000 but the football club has existed since 1870 although it wasn’t until 1955 before anything interesting happened. They were allowed to join the Scottish League.
Their nearest rivals are Ayr United (50 miles away) but Ayr’s rivals are Kilmarnock so it’s a unrequited rivalry.
The Scottish league pair Queen Of The south (75 miles away) with Stranraer for the New Year’s Day derby game but that’s not because they hate each other, it’s to save them and their fans from a long drive anywhere else!
The most interesting thing about Stranraer was the ferry to Belfast but even that has left the town. The port is now a couple of miles north. Belfast is closer to Stranraer than QOTS so if Stranraer wanted to be interesting they should start a rivalry with Clintonville.
Stranraer are so inoffensive and often forgotten about that they are truly the celery of Scottish football.
The last word on this subject goes to a man who laughs like a Hyena – Jimmy Carr. Watch as he interviews one of the Stranraer players
‘Dear SCFC’ is willing to offer advice to any fans so if you have a problem, your manager’s giving you jip, your star striker is more concerned with Dutch pancakes than Cruyff turns or you just want someone to listen to you, email us using the form below.
[contact-form to=’scottishcomedyfc@gmail.com’ subject=’Dear SCFC, Please Help Me’][contact-field label=’Name’ type=’name’ required=’1’/][contact-field label=’Comment’ type=’textarea’ required=’1’/][/contact-form]
