‘Dear SCFC’ is Football’s first and only Agony Uncle! We’re not one of those creepy uncles who you only see at Christmas, stinking of booze, staggering around the dance floor before making a pass at your wife. No: ‘Dear SCFC’ is the awesome uncle who gives you money for your birthday, gets you into the football for free and buys you a cheeky beer when your parents aren’t looking.
Each week we will do our best to help those who can’t help themselves. If you have a problem (real or completely made up), send it to us using the form at the bottom of the article.
Dear SCFC,
I’m in a long term relationship with my manager but recently things have become stale in the boardroom. My manager is showing less and less interest in signing players.
When we first met he would take me to players from all over Europe (mostly France.) I loved his ambition. He bought every French striker other than the Farmers. He loved talking Dirty. It was exciting! The things he said to Alex Ferguson can’t be repeated on a Family Website. Ooh la la!
I’ve tried to tempt him back into the boardroom by offering him lusty Latino’s like Edinson Cavani but instead he went straight to the training ground. Later, I overheard him saying “he’s just a Uruguayan Welbeck!”
So SCFC can you help me turn my French poodle into a French cock?
Yours,
Pitiful Piers
Piers.
It’s time to accept that your manager is old. He doesn’t even have a twitter account. In fact, he’s still on Bebo and his only friends are Ian “C’mon England” Wright and Steve “Yes Boss” Bould.
BUT you don’t blame him. Why does he have to make an effort in the Boardroom when he knows a FA Cup win and a Champions League quarter final will result in a street parade! It’s up to you to change your attitude and demand better. Don’t cheer mediocrity and remember the old adage: “treat ’em mean, keep ’em Roy Keane”.
Dear SCFC,
I’m lonely. So Lonely. Please help?
Wayne The Wastrel
Don’t worry Wayne. There’s a time in every striker’s life were you have to play up front by yourself. Kenny Miller was stuck on his own so often that he didn’t talk to a fellow Scotland player during his whole international career. It was no great loss: all Kris Boyd ever talked about was Monster Munch.
Dear SCFC,
I’m a multimillionaire striker who was never quite as good as Harry Redknapp claimed. I’m playing for a pension at the one club stupid enough to buy me from my Canadian hell. Should I hire a Personal Assistant to promote my brand?
The duties will be:
- Create an iPhone app about me. Something than can bring people together but not in a creepy way like Tinder but in a friendship way like Grindr. Just men looking to connect with fellow men who have similar interests.
- To protect my image from so that the public sees all the great work I do for charity, rather than the stupid job adverts which I post online.
- Wash my underpants.
Yours lad from the East Endishly,
“MackemSpursLad”
MackemSpursLad,
Everyone knows the only successful Brand is Russell but he runs a charity helping models, actresses and singers so you are entering a very competitive environment.
I would take recommend you take a “helicopter view” of your brand. Lock that idea in the “mind bank” and spin the wheel of “synergy” to “leverage” and” parameterize” what your goals are. Once you’ve done that take a deep breath and then throw your brand in the f**king sea! The only goals you should be concerned with have posts and a net!
‘Dear SCFC’ is willing to offer advice to any fans so if you have a problem, your manager’s giving you jip, your star striker is more concerned with Dutch pancakes than Cruyff turns or you just want someone to listen to you, email us using the form below.
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