dear_scfc

‘Dear SCFC’ is Football’s first and only Agony Uncle!  We’re not one of those creepy uncles who you only see at Christmas, stinking of booze, staggering around the dance floor before making a pass at your wife. No: ‘Dear SCFC’ is the awesome uncle who gives you money for your birthday, gets you into the football for free and buys you a cheeky beer when your parents aren’t looking.

Each week we will do our best to help those who can’t help themselves. If you have a problem (real or completely made up), send it to us using the form at the bottom of the article.


Dear SCFC,

I work in a team of 22 guys. They’re great lads but they’re taking advantage of me! They expect me to do all the work yet they can claim all the glory.

This year, due to my hard work, I’ve earned myself a trip to France. They all expect to come with me but I think I’d be better off without them.

Is it ok to not take my workmates?

Yours Sincerely

Gareth

Gareth, does Tom need Jerry? Does Bill need Ted? Did Maradona win the world cup all by himself? Hmmm, you might have a point. I’d suggest dumping your team mates and taking cast members of MTV’s “The Valleys” instead. You won’t win any games but you will have an amazing time.


Dear SCFC,

I now have a gap in my Diary in the summer of 2016. Where should I go on my summer holidays?

Wee Gordy

I’d suggest a fly-and-flop holiday. Fly anywhere and then flop down on the beach to read Alex Ferguson’s new book “Leading.” It’s about how to win. Don’t come back until you’ve read it all!



Dear SCFC,

I don’t want to play for Scotland as I was born in England. I’d  rather spend international week buying luxury cars and counting my money but no matter what I do I still get picked.

I thought that by not scoring goals for my own team then I would get dropped. The Scotland manager still picks me!

I thought that by not scoring goals for Scotland then I would get dropped. The Scotland manager still picks me!

I thought that growing a beard would give me a disguise. If he didn’t recognise me then he can’t pick me. The Scotland manager still picks me!

What can I do to get out of here?

“Stephen”

Well “Stephen” there is only one way to guarantee not to be picked by Scotland. Be successful and score goals! You need to engineer a move to a championship side and then start scoring goals. Within days of your move you will never be approached by Scotland ever again. I call it the Ross McCormack technique.


Dear SCFC

The Scottish Police claim that I <redacted> and committed <redacted> against <redacted> club.

What would you advise?

Prisoner 24601

Unfortunately SCFC can’t comment on an ongoing legal matter but we can send you the prize for being this week’s letter of the week. The prize is a rock hammer, a Rita Hayworth poster and a copy of the Shawshank redemption.


‘Dear SCFC’ is willing to offer advice to any fans so if you have a problem, your manager’s giving you jip, your star striker is more concerned with Dutch pancakes than Cruyff turns or you just want someone to listen to you, email us using the form below.

[contact-form to=’scottishcomedyfc@gmail.com’ subject=’Dear SCFC, Please Help Me’][contact-field label=’Name’ type=’name’ required=’1’/][contact-field label=’Comment’ type=’textarea’ required=’1’/][/contact-form]

Iain Todd
Iain Todd is the co-author of the football book "Jukebox Durie." The only guide to the songs sung by every UK football team. He also co-authored "Fat Minister's Question Time" the only book to poke fun at the Scottish referendum campaign. He avoids the stage so instead his "comedy" is photo shopping images for his and twitter's amusement...mostly his.

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Dear SCFC: Football’s Agony Uncle – For The Benefit Of Mr. Whyte?

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