‘Dear Scottish Comedy FC’ is football’s first and only Agony Uncle!  We’re not one of those creepy uncles who you only see at Christmas, stinking of booze, staggering around the dance floor before making a pass at your wife. No: ‘Dear SCFC’ is the awesome uncle who gives you money for your birthday, gets you into the football for free and buys you a cheeky beer when your parents aren’t looking.

Each week we will do our best to help those who can’t help themselves. If you have a problem (real or completely made up), send it to us using the form at the bottom of the article.

Dear Scottish Comedy Football Club,

Should Tyson Fury be on the sports personality of the year list?

TV Licence Payer

Sometimes I listen to the Kaye Adams phone in show on BBC Radio Scotland. Its a good way to remind myself how stupid and inane the opinion of the general public is. On Tuesday the great unwashed discussed Tyson Fury (a computer game character name in search of a game to play in).

The first caller said “yes – he should be on the list.”

The second caller said “no – he shouldn’t”

The third caller said “Andy Murray should win!” He missed the point of the question. He was asked his opinion on fury but repeated “Andy Murray to win!” He was swiftly cut off.

The fourth caller said “The first caller said yes and the second caller said no. I don’t think there’s any other viewpoint to cover!” Has a truer sentence ever been spoken on talk radio? You’ve covered both points let’s not bother talking about it anymore.

I’ve got a simple solution Why don’t we settle it with a vote?

Dear SCFC,

Am I still the special one?

Chelsea Pensioner Jose

When I was in school there was a “special” class for pupils with special educational needs. At the end of the year the most “special” one got a prize but calling a fellow pupil “special” was deemed to be an insult. If a teacher overheard a pupil using this term the pupil would be punished.

So consider the losses a punishment for using a playground insult. If you want to win again you’ll have to suffer the same punishment I did. Write out the school rules in long hand 10 times! Once you’ve done that everything will be better!

Dear SCFC,

How easy is it to learn Welsh?

Tim “Swansea are the Welsh Real Madrid” Sherwood

“Dario hit I Adebayor” is all you’ll need. “Hit it long to Adebayor!”

‘Dear SCFC’ is willing to offer advice to any fans so if you have a problem, your manager’s giving you jip, your star striker is more concerned with Dutch pancakes than Cruyff turns or you just want someone to listen to you, email us using the form below.

Follow Scottish Comedy Football Club on Twitter for more on Scottish football and beyond: @ScotComFC

Iain Todd
Iain Todd is the co-author of the football book "Jukebox Durie." The only guide to the songs sung by every UK football team. He also co-authored "Fat Minister's Question Time" the only book to poke fun at the Scottish referendum campaign. He avoids the stage so instead his "comedy" is photo shopping images for his and twitter's amusement...mostly his.

Dear SCFC: Feel The Fury, Feel The Furore



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