‘Dear Scottish Comedy FC’ is football’s first and only Agony Uncle!  We’re not one of those creepy uncles who you only see at Christmas, stinking of booze, staggering around the dance floor before making a pass at your wife. No: ‘Dear SCFC’ is the awesome uncle who gives you money for your birthday, gets you into the football for free and buys you a cheeky beer when your parents aren’t looking.

Each week we will do our best to help those who can’t help themselves. If you have a problem (real or completely made up), send it to us using the form at the bottom of the article.

Dear Scottish Comedy Football Club,

Is the Barclays Premier League the best in the world?

Someone who’s never seen a Barclays Premier League game

This week Dear SCFC had the pleasure of attending West Ham v Stoke. If pleasure is a mind numbing 0-0 draw with little football skill or talent on display then yes – this was pure pleasure!

I did note some interesting features though:

  • Outside the stadium they have a full size team photo with a chair for a fan to sit in so that they can be part of the team photo. A great idea that other clubs should follow as it had a permanent queue of fans waiting to get a picture.
  • The Chairman and Vice Chairman had Rolls Royces more expensive than the budget of any Scottish football club outside the Old Firm
  • West Ham proclaim themselves “Moore than a club.” At first I thought they’d made a mistake but then realised it was a nice link to club legend Bobby Moore.
  • Next to the alcohol stand they have a tribute to Frank McAvennie. A more fitting tribute would be changing the ladies toilet sign to one saying “burds”
  • Before the game starts everyone sings “we’re forever blowing bubbles” As the fans sing bubbles are blown onto the pitch. More football games should start with what looks like a kid’s birthday party. An Old Firm game would be much less hate filled if they had party poppers and a clown.
  • Andy Carroll is the epitome of the phrase “surprisingly good feet for a big lad”
  • Andy Carroll looked about as likely to score a goal as I look like winning a Pulitzer prize for writing.
  • Stoke played for a draw and got it. They showed no ambition whatsoever unless their ambition was to put me to sleep with their boring football.
  • The announcer at the train station nearest Upton Park had more passengers than he had trains. He resolved this issue by announcing “can everyone get on the next train. I don’t care where you’re going, just get off my platform!”
  • The fans sing ‘c’mon you Irons’. I thought they were called Hammers!

In summary the Premier League is not even the best division in England! The Championship is a much more interesting and exciting league in which numerous sides are all battling for promotion. The excitement lasts ’til the final game of the season. The Championship culminates in a gladiatorial, winner takes it all final. A bit like the Hunger Games but with more money and less teen romance.

Dear SCFC,

How long should we wait before sacking Van Gaal and getting Jose in instead?

Manchester United

When dumping a partner it’s best not to shack up with a new one by the end of the same week. It makes it look like you never loved them and were just waiting for someone better to come along.

So give it a week!

Remember to tell Van Gaal “Its not you. It’s me”

Dear SCFC,

Should I apply for the Chelsea job?

Unemployed Tim from Sherwood

If the criteria for the manager of Chelsea was experience of running a London based club that had trouble scoring then they would have stuck with Jose.

‘Dear SCFC’ is willing to offer advice to any fans so if you have a problem, your manager’s giving you jip, your star striker is more concerned with Dutch pancakes than Cruyff turns or you just want someone to listen to you, email us using the form below.

Follow Scottish Comedy Football Club on Twitter for more on Scottish football and beyond: @ScotComFC

Iain Todd
Iain Todd is the co-author of the football book "Jukebox Durie." The only guide to the songs sung by every UK football team. He also co-authored "Fat Minister's Question Time" the only book to poke fun at the Scottish referendum campaign. He avoids the stage so instead his "comedy" is photo shopping images for his and twitter's amusement...mostly his.

Dear SCFC: Can I Be The Next Chelsea Manager?



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