Scottish Comedy FC has acquired the rights to an upcoming best-seller – “The Secret Assistant Manager” – which will tell you what really happens inside Scottish football.
The author has asked us to keep his identity a secret but in coming months he’ll tell it straight from the main man’s mouth, or, technically, straight from the assistant to the main man’s mouth to our correspondent Andy Todd, all about the next chapter of a remarkable 143-year-old story that has spanned the ages.
A STATEMENT FROM THE TSAM
Hiya Pals,
WTFN! What. The. Flipping. Nora.
I’ve never seen the Chairman so angry. He was ranting. He was raving. He was foaming at the mouth. At first we thought the Captain had bit him again, and that we’d all need rabies shots, but it turned out the Chairman was just angry at various lies the rival teams have been spreading about him. As far as I can work out some nasty people have told porkie pies about the Chairman’s massive wine cellar. They say he’s not been paying his taxes on the bottles on wine in it! So, just to be clear, pals, let me set the record straight:
YES, the Chairman has a massive wine cellar.
YES, the Chairman threw many successful dinner parties using wine from that cellar.
YES, the Chairman didn’t pay tax on some of the wine bottles – but he had hundreds of other bottles that he had paid tax on. And those guests would have got drunk anyway and, to be honest pals, no one would have known if they were drinking Champagne or a bottle of Sangria. The Chairman would still have had the best parties!
YES, he hates white. Who doesn’t?! I’m a Rosé man myself.
But, NO, there’s absolutely no truth in the rumour that he only built his wine cellar in 2012 – it was built in the late 19th Century and anyone who says otherwise is nothing but a DIRTY, DIRTY LIAR!
I hope this sets your minds at rest, pals. However, if you still need reassurance that everything’s okay with us here. I spoke to the Chairman today after he’d calmed down. He was in a mood to forgive and this is what he wants to say to all the other teams and fans out there taking cheap shots at us:
“I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom I can tell you I have loads of money but you’re not getting it, as what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let this go now that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you, but if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you and I will kill you.”
See pals, for the good of the game, let’s just move on.
Yer pal,
The Secret Assistant Manager
As told to Andy Todd.
He’s a part-time comedian and in 2014, he supported Eddie Izzard in ‘Please Don’t Go’, Izzard’s show about Scottish independence and worked with BBC Radio Scotland as a weekly guest on Referendum Tonight.
