Scottish Comedy FC has acquired the rights to an upcoming best-seller – “The Secret Assistant Manager” – which will tell you what really happens inside Scottish football.
The author has asked us to keep his identity a secret but he continues to tell it straight from the main man’s mouth, or, technically, straight from the assistant to the main man’s mouth to our correspondent Andy Todd, all about the next chapter of a remarkable 143-year-old story that has spanned the ages.
Hiya Internet Pals,
I’ve never told anyone this before but I only have one goal in life – I want to make the Cone Game an Olympic Sport (if golf can be an Olympic sport, then so can cones!); I want to be Scotland Manager; and I want to resit my maths exam which I failed due to my inability to count.
I want to be Scotland boss because it’s a simple job. All you do is pick the squad using the tried and tested school football rule. You know the one: pick the best kid first and the fat kid last. Easy peasy.
So, as you can imagine, it was with great excitement that the lads and I sat down last week to hear the announcement of the next Scotland squad. If the Scottish boss was picking the best kids first then surely he would be picking from ‘the greatest team in history’?
I turned to Braveheart, our Scottish left back. He’s called Braveheart because he shares his surname with a Mel Gibson character – the Scottish character, not the racist sweary character he plays in real life.
I told Braveheart: “You’ll definitely get picked first because you’re playing for the best club in the land and you’re the best player in our team!”
The Captain interrupted: “Wha’ do ya mean he’s tha best? Ah’ve got more assists than anyone!!”
I had to remind him that assists for the opposition don’t count. He didn’t get it. I tried to explain that football involved two teams. He still didn’t get it. So, I gave him a ball to chew and he was happy for the rest of the day.
The Old Striker then said: “I remember when I used to get called up for Scotland but in my day you would get a telegram from the boss”. In his day anyone got a game for Scotland. You just had to have once eaten a bit of Walkers Shortbread to qualify for the national side.
The Goalie piped up: “Has Roy been in touch? I’m starting to think he doesn’t watch the Scottish Championship.” I told him not to worry. Roy definitely watches the Championship and I saw him at a game last week. I didn’t mention that it was the English Championship I’d seen him at – the art of management is little white lies.
Anyways, with all that distraction, you’ll never believe what happened? I missed the announcement so I was confused when I looked at Braveheart and he was crying. “TSAM – I didn’t get a call up! The ginger manager must think I’m worse than a fat kid”
What a SNUB!!! I haven’t been felt this snubbed since the Chairman refused my offer to audit our accounts. (I’m a dab hand with a calculator – just type 35180008 then turn it upside down. You can thank me later).
I was just about to phone the useless incompetent Scotland boss when the door of the changing room burst open and in jumped the Chairman firing party poppers and singing “Happy anniversary to me!”. I’d completely forgotten. It’s his one year anniversary. A year to the day since he turned up with his massive war chest and changed the fortunes of this great, great club.
Things have changed a lot in the year since the Chairman took over. I wasn’t a Secret Assistant Manager then. The Boss and I managed another club where we had no need to keep our identities a secret because no-one knew how we were. Now everyone knows who we are – except for my internet pals. You’ll never guess who I am!
Braveheart cheered up when he saw the Chairman has spared no expense on anniversary gifts. Everyone got a bag of Haribo and a voucher for a can of Czech lager from Asda. Not the expensive stuff though, the one that says lager on it and tastes like the Captain has rinsed his jock strap in the bath. You know, the good stuff. Continental. Classy. What other Chairman would spend this much on his players? We truly are blessed under his leadership.
Anyhow, I discovered something else this week. Apparently, before the Chairman started our journey back to the top, we used to be led by Seb Coe? Can you believe it? Seb Coe, the gold medal winning athlete, Olympic hero and all round nice guy no matter what those emails say about him and Nike, used to work for us. I didn’t know this but, in his speech to the lads to celebrate one year in charge, the Chairman kept saying that he’d got rid of Seb Coe, that Seb Coe has nothing to do with ‘the greatest club in history’ anymore, and that anyone who talks about Seb Coe should be shot. I thought that was a tad harsh but then someone explained that Seb Coe was the one who stole all our money and he’s the reason why we’re on this journey back to the top. Seb Coe – what a bar steward, if you’ll forgive my language, pals.
Speaking of bar stewards, a noted ex-player and now media commentator claimed this week that any of the players who play for our great rival would walk straight into our team. What a cheeky man! How could he even think that? But, then I thought about it, and he could be right – all of their players just want to play for a team that’s actually going to win its league!
Onwards and upwards!
Yer pal,
The Secret Assistant Manager
He’s a part-time comedian and in 2014, he supported Eddie Izzard in ‘Please Don’t Go’, Izzard’s show about Scottish independence and worked with BBC Radio Scotland as a weekly guest on Referendum Tonight.
