Scottish Comedy FC has acquired the rights to an upcoming best-seller – “The Secret Assistant Manager” – which will tell you what really happens inside Scottish football.
The author has asked us to keep his identity a secret but in coming months he’ll tell it straight from the main man’s mouth, or, technically, straight from the assistant to the main man’s mouth to our correspondent Andy Todd, all about the next chapter of a remarkable 143-year-old story that has spanned the ages.
Hiya Internet Pals,
Mrs Secret Assistant Manager was pure raging this week. She found a Valentine’s card at Casa Secret Assistant Manager that wasn’t from her! I had to explain that I only had one love in my life – my internet pals – but she was having none of that. She said “I know what kind of pals you watch on the internet and you can sleep alone tonight!”
So that was it, pals, I spent Valentine’s night sleeping on the couch. She wouldn’t believe me that the Captain must have sent the card as a wind up. After all, who else would think it was romantic to scrawl “Shagger says yer getting pumped 2nite! Signed – Not the Captain xxx”?
I confronted the Captain the next day. But he said it wasn’t a wind up at all. He said it was all a big mistake. He’d sent a letter for me and a he’d sent a letter for his girlfriend (“Big Bertha from tha chippie – she gies me free suppers!”) and he’d mixed them up because “Reading make Shagger head hurt”. That meant on Valentine’s Day, instead of getting a romantic letter, his girlfriend received a transfer request instead.
I was devastated. Why would the Captain hand in a transfer request? But the Captain said that he was so ashamed that he’d cost us a win against the lowliest team in the league. He felt he had to go or, as he put it, “Shagger bad. Shagger sad. Shagger go.”
I told him not to worry about it as it wasn’t his fault. I’ve complained for months that we don’t have enough space around the dugout for Secret Assistant Managers to put out the cones during games. How was the Captain supposed to warm up properly if he didn’t get to play the cone game before going on? It’s madness, it really is!
I’ve even written to the SPFL to complain. They’re taking it really, really seriously. It’s been six months since I wrote to them and they still haven’t replied. That shows how seriously they’re taking it – even six months isn’t long enough to sort out this mess. We can’t go on like this – if it’s one thing I know it’s this: the lads need cones!
Anyways, our lowly opponents must have heard about my campaign because they narrowed their pitch so that we’d have more room around the dugout. In fact the pitch was so thin they should call their ground the Kate Moss stadium. I was so looking forward to the game but I made a big mistake myself. Because of all that space I made the lad’s play the cone game again and again and again. By the end I had more cones out than an ice cream seller at Blackpool pleasure beach. I’d knackered the lads. It was all my fault, and we were only able to draw the game 1 -1.
Luckily they bounced right back and won our Scottish cup replay on Tuesday night. We’re officially through to the next round of the cup after Bluewandowski scored another of his trademark penalties. He’s now had so many penalties this season that people are starting to say that ‘the greatest team in history’ is getting an unfair advantage from the referees. That’s just nonsense. Why people would think that we get an advantage just because we’ve got more penalties than the rest of the league combined, I don’t know. Maybe the other teams just don’t know how to defend? Have you thought of that? It makes far more sense than the referees helping us. Anywho, to put that rumour to bed, I raised it in my local ‘social club’ last night and all the referees said that they’d never heard such nonsense. So there. Case closed.
Yer pal,
The Secret Assistant Manager
As told to Andy Todd.
He’s a part-time comedian and in 2014, he supported Eddie Izzard in ‘Please Don’t Go’, Izzard’s show about Scottish independence and worked with BBC Radio Scotland as a weekly guest on Referendum Tonight.
