The Price is Sh*te

20 Jul

By Daniel James Lindsay (@daniellindsay01)

The festival of football that is the World Cup has come to an end and, as we embark on the start of another quad-annual period of mourning, we can at least bask in the warm afterglow International Football has been afforded and look forward to the embracing/annexing arms of mother Russia in 2018. After what was arguably the most exciting World Cup ever, international teams will be desperate to make it to Russia – and potentially some parts of Ukraine – in four years’ time.

In the meantime, here in Europe we have of course the small matter of qualification for the Euro 2016 finals; which for Scotland will begin in September with an away tie against newly crowned World Champions Germany. The SFA has decided to cash in on the World Cup feelgood factor – despite the fact we weren’t actually there – by dramatically raising ticket prices for the Euro qualifying campaign.

I’ve been a member of the Scotland Supporters Club for the last three qualifying campaigns. Membership of the Supporters Club costs £55 and for this you are guaranteed a ticket for each of Scotland’s five qualifying home matches, access to away tickets, and a quite fetching Supporters Club t-shirt. Earlier this year I diligently paid my membership fee and waited patiently for the SFA to release their ticket prices and send out the ‘Dennis the Menace’ and ‘Gnasher’ badges. For the World Cup 2014 qualification campaign tickets in the West Stand cheap seats cost £125, this combined with the £55 supporters club membership fee meant I paid a total of £180 – a fair price for a campaign that yielded only four Hampden goals and where most games were played either mid-week or on Friday nights.

Tickets in the cheaper West Stand for this campaign have been upped from £125 to £190, combined with the membership fee of £55 this totals £245 for the same deal as described previously. For those who had memberships in other areas of the stadium the price has gone from £190 for the World Cup qualifiers to £250 for the Euro’s, meaning Scotland supporters outside of the West Stand will have to pay over £300 to maintain their membership and attend all of Scotland’s home games. Continue reading 

  

Andy Todd’s Jukebox Durie presents the best of 2013!

8 Jan

Don’t forget the Scottish Comedy FC Podcast. Subscribe/download/listen HERE

By Andy Todd (@toddandy)

Our top 10 countdown of the best (worst) songs of the year continues…

5. Newcastle United

As Newcastle United become less ‘likely lads’ and more ‘likely garcons’ the official anthem of Newcastle United has been given a makeover as Blaydon Races was updated for the modern age. Originally a song about travelling to the races in the nineteenth century, it now features modern directions like a sat nav set to music. I can’t say it’s good but I can honestly say it will come in handy if you ever get stuck in the one way system at Collingwood Road.

4 Bayern Munich

The champions of Europe have a song worthy of conquering the world. Their official song ‘Stern des Südens‘ has it all: fuzzy guitars, solos and teutonic chanting. It couldn’t be more German if it had Ramstein singing Winds Of Change with a guest appearance by David Hasselhoff.

3 Queen of The South

Every week Queen of The South run on to the pitch to this Teenage Fanclub-ish slice of Scottish pop that tells you exactly what it’s like to be a fan of the Queens: “We might not be the best, sometimes we’re the worst”.

2 Partick Thistle

With a clear debt to Billy Connolly’s D.I.V.O.R.I.C.E this is a really lovely homage to the T.H.I.S.T.L.E.

1 Manchester City

There was only possible winner of Jukebox Durie’s song of the year. Here’s what happens when you earn too much money. Just check out the toys and costumes as you watch Manchester City do the Harlem Shake or Harlem Sheik.

You can download/listen/subscribe to the Scottish Comedy FC podcast HERE

 

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About the Author
After too many years as season ticket holder at Parkhead, Andy Todd renounced the SPL three years ago to support Queens Park. One team is a rank bunch of amateurs who play in a state of the art stadium and the other is…(I think we can all see where this is going).

Andy has been performing comedy for 18 months but is currently ‘between gigs’ while he writes a book on Scottish property law to be published in Summer 2012. Its potential audience will be less than 300 but his mum will be very proud.

Follow Andy on Twitter: @toddandy

Check out Andy’s website: www.toddandy.com

  

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Andy Todd’s Jukebox Durie presents The Best of 2013, Part 1:

13 Dec

Don’t forget the Scottish Comedy FC Podcast. Subscribe/download/listen HERE

By Andy Todd (@toddandy)

Our annual round up of the best (well, worst) football songs of the year begins this week with numbers 10 to 5.

10 Portsmouth

If you’ve never taken drugs then, don’t worry, you can recreate the effect by listening to this, frankly, bizarre version of Portsmouth’s official anthem ‘Portsmouth Chimes’. Listen as someone somewhere forced the Teletubbies to sing like Nigella Lawson.

9 Lionel Messi

Lionel Messi’s currently recuperating from injury with his legs up and a copy of Harry Redknapp’s autobiography to read (particularly Chapter 7 – How I Beat The Taxman). Did you know though, that along with offering goals, goals and more goals, he also has an official? To be honest, it’s not a classic but then he did, unusually for him, miss a great opportunity. He should have covered Lionel Ritchies’s ‘Hello’. Think about it, what could be cooler than Lionel singing ‘Hello, Is It Goals Your Looking For?’.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9UpfuGKjUkI Continue reading 

  

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Andy Todd’s Jukebox Durie believes in Marvin Andrews!

14 Nov

Don’t forget the Scottish Comedy FC Podcast. Subscribe/download/listen HERE

By Andy Todd (@toddandy)

Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not steal. Thou shall not move to Dundee United. God has given many commandments but career advice direct from above is not one of His top 10, not unless your name is Marvin Andrews.

Marvin is a Trinidadian footballer who has spent most of his career playing in Scotland. In 2004, while playing for Livingston he was approached by Dundee United. Most players would have jumped at the chance to move to a bigger club, particularly when Livingston were experiencing financial problems, but not Marvin. Marvin informed the Dundee United chairman, Stephen Thomson, that “Sorry, but God doesn’t want me at Dundee United.” God was right. Just a few weeks after he turned down the move to Dundee United, Marvin reached the final of the Scottish League Cup with Livingston, and, despite facing a much stronger Hibernian side, Livingston won the match 2–0.

Proving that God was looking out for Marvin, he subsequently moved to Rangers where he added the SPL title and another Scottish League Cup final medal. And, to add to his mystique, despite suffering a cruciate ligament injury early in his Rangers career and being told he would miss months of action, he missed just one game and carried on playing as he believed God would look out for him. He did, Marvin also won Rangers Player of The Year. No wonder when Marvin scored for Rangers, or won the Man of the Match at Ibrox, the announcer would play The Monkees song ‘I’m A Believer’.

For Livingston, the 2004 Scottish Cup remains their highpoint. Financial problems over the last 10 years have seen them fall from a pinnacle in 2001 of finishing third in the SPL and qualifying for Europe to playing in the third division by 2009. Subsequent promotions have seen the club climb back to the First Division and finish the 2012/2013 fourth in the league, their highest position since they were relegated from the SPL in 2006.

Their official anthem is ‘Come On Livingston’, a high energy dance anthem specially written for the club. It has not aged well and, when you hear it, you don’t need to be Marvin Andrews to exclaim “Dear God”.

https://soundcloud.com/kagutsuchi/01-come-on-livingston-on-and-on-and-on

You can download/listen/subscribe to the Scottish Comedy FC podcast HERE

 

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About the Author
After too many years as season ticket holder at Parkhead, Andy Todd renounced the SPL three years ago to support Queens Park. One team is a rank bunch of amateurs who play in a state of the art stadium and the other is…(I think we can all see where this is going).

Andy has been performing comedy for 18 months but is currently ‘between gigs’ while he writes a book on Scottish property law to be published in Summer 2012. Its potential audience will be less than 300 but his mum will be very proud.

Follow Andy on Twitter: @toddandy

Check out Andy’s website: www.toddandy.com

  

Andy Todd’s Jukebox Durie says Stirling’s Binos are dandy…

31 Oct

Don’t forget the Scottish Comedy FC Podcast. Subscribe/download/listen HERE

By Andy Todd (@toddandy)

Stirling Albion was the first UK senior club to be 100% owned by a fans trust. In 2002, a group of die-hard fans became concerned about the club’s growing debt and decided to set up a Trust with the goal of providing financial support to the club when needed. As the club’s fortunes (both literal and figuratively speaking) declined throughout the decade, as they dropped from the first division to the third, the trust was given the option of purchasing the club from its main shareholder in 2009. The ‘Buy Stirling Albion’ campaign was formally launched on 6th May 2009 with the Trust leading fundraising efforts to the point where it was able to purchase the club in June 2010.

Today, the club’s ambition is to return to the higher divisions and, given its history, you wouldn’t put it past them to bounce back. Stirling have two nicknames. They are named ‘The Binos’, which is not a reference to Dennis The Menace, but a shorter version of Albion. And they are named ‘The Yo Yo Club’, which, again, is not a reference to Dennis The Menace, but to their reputation for bouncing back and forth through the Scottish leagues when they were promoted and relegated between the first and second division eight times in 12 years between 1952 and 1965.

One of the fan’s most popular songs is ‘Rave On’ based on the Buddy Holly classic, and which gave its name to the Albion fanzine ‘Rave On’ which took over from The Beanos, which is still not a reference to Dennis The Menace, in the early ’90s. The lyrics tell you exactly what you will get if you go to watch Stirling Albion.

“Come to Forthbank, don’t be shy,

You’ll get a Bovril and you’ll get a pie,

Rave on Stirling Albion, Rave on Stirling Albion,

Rave on Stirling Albion” Continue reading 

  

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