Andy Todd’s Jukebox Durie presents…The Dictators

16 May

Don’t forget the Scottish Comedy FC Podcast. Subscribe/download/listen HERE

By Andy Todd (@toddandy)

Former Romanian dictator Nicolae Ceausescu called himself the ‘Genius of The Carpathians’ and built a palace so huge that today’s Romanian Parliament can only use 30% of it. Also he demanded every scientist in Romania include his wife’s name on their research papers, which was strange, as she was illiterate and couldn’t read it. You might as well claim Stevie Wonder is the father of photography.

This wasn’t the most unusual move by a dictator. Idi Amin gave himself the titles “Conqueror of the British Empire” and “President for Life”, which were close to the mark. Britain was only third in the medal table at the London olympics while Mr President For Life died in 2003 after he was overthrown and exiled. Whoops! I bet he now knows why crowds weren’t just chanting ‘Idi Out’ but ‘Idiot’.

Idi is not the dumbest dictator. Not by a long mile. Francisco Macias Nguema was President of Equatorial Guinea. He killed the head of the national bank and then hid all the money of the National Treasury in
his house when clearly it would have been easier to move his bed and settee to the Treasury. He didn’t last long though. Francisco died in 1979 when he was shot like a dog, a dalmatian to be exact, as he was
shot one hundred and one times. Which just goes to show, when trying to free a country from tyranny, sometimes you must be Cruella to be kind.

One of my favourite dictators is Saparmurat Niyazov, the former ruler of Turkmenistan. Niyazov is famous for declaring 10th July a public holiday in honour of melons – one of the country’s main exports – and
27 April, Horse Day. He renamed January after himself, and April after his mother, while he banned beards because of his suspicion of Islamic fundamentalists and ballet because he deemed it unnecessary.

That’s not all – he changed the word for bread to the name of his mother. He named several schools, two airports, a city, some theatres, a brand of vodka, two kinds of cologne, a kind of tea, and a meteorite
after himself. He even created a new Turkmen alphabet, basing it on the Latin one instead of the Cyrillic so not only was everything given a new name it given a new way to spell it too.

Oh, and he built a 50-foot statue of his book in the middle of the capital of Turkmenistan just because he could. And every night at 8pm it opened and a video recording played a passage of the book. [Editor's Note: The statue was also gold-plated and rotated to always be facing the sun... Live the dream.]

History does not record the size of Niyazov’s penis, but one assumes it was not 50-foot high.

No round-up of dictators would be complete without mentioning Kim Jong Il, the former leader of North Korea. There’s a lot you can say about Kim but my favourite fact is this – whenever Kim’s name was published in North Korea it had to be published in bold. Also Kim’s name had to be followed by at least one of his over 50 titles.Dear Leader. Great Leader. Guiding Star of the 21st Century. Supreme Leader of the Nation. Sun of Socialism. And the ever so creepy ‘Father of the Neighbour’s Children’.

History does record the size of Kim Jong Il’s penis.

Kim himself revealed that not only had he shot five holes in one in one game of golf, in the same interview he confirmed that his dick was two foot long and one foot wide, and all the ladies in North Korea called him King Dong Il. Playa!

If Jukebox Durie was a dictator however, I would just have one title, just to keep things simple. Everyone would need to me as a ‘Primary School Teacher’ because everyone loves a primary school teacher. And if they don’t I’ll round them up and shoot them.

But why, you may ask, are you talking about dictators? That’s a good question. I don’t know what brought to mind some of the world’s biggest authoritarian figures, men who don’t accept “no” for an answer. No
reason at all, I suppose. Now here’s a song about Alex Ferguson.

All These Things That’s He Won:

You can download/listen/subscribe to the Scottish Comedy FC podcast HERE

 

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About the Author
After too many years as season ticket holder at Parkhead, Andy Todd renounced the SPL three years ago to support Queens Park. One team is a rank bunch of amateurs who play in a state of the art stadium and the other is…(I think we can all see where this is going).

Andy has been performing comedy for 18 months but is currently ‘between gigs’ while he writes a book on Scottish property law to be published in Summer 2012. Its potential audience will be less than 300 but his mum will be very proud.

Follow Andy on Twitter: @toddandy

Check out Andy’s website: www.toddandy.com

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Cathkin Park – Rifles & Rejects

10 May

From Old Glasgow…

Third Lanark are often named by wistful journalists as one of the great indicators of football’s decline. Since their inception in 1872 until their dissolution in 1967, Third Lanark were almost as synonymous with football in Glasgow as their Old Firm neighbours.

Dave Hilley training outside Cathkin Park in 1961. (Source: thirdlanarkac.co.uk

Dave Hilley training outside Cathkin Park in 1961. (Source: thirdlanarkac.co.uk

The club was founded by the Third Lanarkshire Rifle Volunteers, an army regiment which was part of the Volunteer Force. Its original (and ever-imaginative) name 3rd Lanarkshire Rifle Volunteers Football Club was changed to Third Lanark A.C. in 1903 when the club severed its military links and was incorporated as a company in the same year, funded mostly by middle-class fans.

Their home was the site of the second Hampden Stadium and had previously been leased by Queens Park from 1884 until 1903. Third Lanark moved in in 1903, deciding to rename the stadium New Cathkin Park.

Third Lanark take on Hearts at Cathkin Park in 1960. (Source: James H - Urban Glasgow)

Third Lanark take on Hearts at Cathkin Park in 1960. (Source: James H – Urban Glasgow)

Although the stadium would later revert simply to Cathkin Park, it is actually the second home of the Thirds with them previously having played at a site closer to Cathcart Road.

Cathkin Park is now a municipal park but many question the reason for the name and it all harks back to the roots of the club as the 3rd Lanarkshire Rifles. It is thought that the regiment had its firing range up on the Cathkin Braes and the name derives from this.

The Warriors, The Redcoats or The Hi-Hi (a nickname which derives from a defender kicking a ball so high that people began chanting it) remained at Cathkin Park until they were put of business in 1967.

The story of Third Lanark’s liquidation through board corruption and in-fighting which often resulted in players getting paid late and in coins instead of notes is one for another time but Cathkin Park’s fate was all-but sealed.

The football landscape of 1967 was different to the early days of association football in Scotland. There were no newly formed clubs which would swoop in and take Cathkin Park off the hands of its board and most football fans in the city had already sworn their allegiances.

During the 1967 close season, in a move that will be familiar to many modern football fans, Cathkin Park was sold off for development and houses were planned to be built over the site. However, Glasgow City Council refused planning permission and the site was left to rot.

What remains of Cathkin Park today. (Source: James H - Urban Glasgow)

What remains of Cathkin Park today. (Source: James H – Urban Glasgow)

Over time the assets of the stadium were removed and it was left as what you see today, a football pitch surrounded by the ethereal remains of a football heritage which is still lamented today. You can still visit the tomb of Third Lanark AC today but if you can’t then this atmospheric video from Abandoned Scotland might give you an idea of what you’re missing.

The collapse of three-time champions Third Lanark won’t be forgotten by the chroniclers of Scottish football and their home which once held 50,000, nestled in a residential area just a stone’s throw away from Hampden will remain a monument to what can go wrong.

This post can also be found at Old Glasgow, a blog all about mind blowing things that don’t exist any more. 

Visit Old Glasgow || Like Old Glasgow on Facebook || Take a tour with the Old Glasgow Google Map

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Andy Todd’s Jukebox Durie presents a Villa thriller…

9 May

Don’t forget the Scottish Comedy FC Podcast. Subscribe/download/listen HERE

By Andy Todd (@toddandy)

No one knows why Prince William supports Aston Villa. Some say Prince William once said he supported Aston Villa because “it was in the middle of the country”. Which may be true as the Prince has a degree in geography, but it has never been confirmed as the Prince has never discussed why he supports the club in public. We can only speculate why he picked Aston Villa and not Arsenal like the Queen or Prince Harry.

Me? I think he supports Aston Villa for one very simple reason. Aston Villa won the European Cup in May 1982. Prince William was born in June 1982. Coincidence? Quite possibly. But, maybe, just maybe, our future King is a Villan because when he was born he thought he should support the best team in all of Europe – and, at that time, that was Aston Villa. Success however is fleeting.

For the last few seasons Aston Villa have flattered to deceive. Despite promising managers like Martin O’Neill and Paul Lambert; a youth set up that has produced players like Gabby Agbonlahor, Gareth Barry and Gary Cahill; and a chairman, Randy Lerner, who was born to teach ‘The Joy of Sex’, the team hasn’t delivered on its potential.

Yet it all seemed so different in 1982. Despite two goals disallowed, Aston Villa beat Bayern Munich 1-0 in Amsterdam. It should have been the start of a glorious run but only a couple of days later the team lost the cup while out drinking in The Fox Inn in Hopwas, near Tamworth, after an opportunistic thief nabbed it. A couple of hours later the trophy was anonymously handed into West Midlands police who did the right thing and… picked two teams and held an impromptu cup final in the middle of the night with the winning team claiming bragging rights and a photo with the trophy. And only then did they phone the club to tell them they had found it.

With success so fleeting, only a few days for the European Cup, or just one day (that 6-1 defeat of Sunderland) as the 2012/2013 season has shown, Aston Villa have adopted a unique approach to their walk on music. Before every home game every fan can vote for the song the team will come out to. An actual jukebox jury for Jukebox Durie.

Black Sabbath’s ‘Paranoid’ and ‘Welcome To The Jungle’ by Guns N Roses have frequently tied for top spot. But other songs featuring prominently in the poll are ‘We Will Rock You’ by Queen, Fatboy Slim’s ‘Right Here Right Now’, ‘Hi Ho Silver Lining’ by Jeff Beck, ‘Thunderstruck’ by AC/DC, U2′s ‘Beautiful Day’ and ‘Song 2′ by Blur. All great songs, but not what you would call club classics. For that we need to go back to 2011 when the song “Bells Are Ringing” was tipped to be brought back by the club as a fan anthem. There was only one problem. Read the lyrics.

“The bells are ringing for the claret and blue,

The fans are singing for the claret and blue,

Everybody is knowing,

To the Villa we are going,

Cause the Villa are showing,

We’re the best in the land.

BEST IN THE LAND!!”

Which even a die-hard fan like Prince William knows is no longer true. But just as success is fleeting, so is failure. And the glory days may yet return to Villa Park. Or, if not Villa Park, then one day West Midland Police Station may yet again be Champions of Europe provided an enterprising fan brings back more than a bratwurst from their next German holiday in Munich or Dortmund.

The Bells Are Ringing:

History of the song:

You can download/listen/subscribe to the Scottish Comedy FC podcast HERE

 

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About the Author
After too many years as season ticket holder at Parkhead, Andy Todd renounced the SPL three years ago to support Queens Park. One team is a rank bunch of amateurs who play in a state of the art stadium and the other is…(I think we can all see where this is going).

Andy has been performing comedy for 18 months but is currently ‘between gigs’ while he writes a book on Scottish property law to be published in Summer 2012. Its potential audience will be less than 300 but his mum will be very proud.

Follow Andy on Twitter: @toddandy

Check out Andy’s website: www.toddandy.com

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Andy Todd’s Jukebox Durie presents… Partick T.H.I.S.T.L.E

1 May

Don’t forget the Scottish Comedy FC Podcast. Subscribe/download/listen HERE

By Andy Todd (@toddandy)

Partick Thistle play in Maryhill in Glasgow, not a few miles down the road in Partick as their name suggests. In 1909 they moved from Partick into a new stadium in Maryhill called Firhill. Their first match was on 18th September 1909 when Thistle lost by three goals to one to Dumbarton Harp. Dumbarton scored first, which was a shame as Thistle cannot claim to score the first goal at their new ground. Unfortunately, as the club’s website states:

“It’s an even greater shame that quite a number of the goals scored since then have been by visiting teams as well!”

Thistle’s two greatest achievements have been winning the Scottish Cup in 1921 against Rangers (1-0) and the Scottish League Cup in 1971 against Celtic (4-1). The team from that day included some famous names like ex-Liverpool defender and now BBC pundit Alan Hansen. Hansen famously said of Manchester United’s youthful 1995 side that “you’ll never win anything with kids” only to see those kids win the league and cup double.

Well, just as Alan Hansen was proven wrong with Man United, so his old team, Partick Thistle proved this season that winning with kids is no fluke.

In 2012/13, after a nine-year wait, the Firhill club have been promoted back to the SPL after manager Alan Archibald and his players clinched the First Division title. After winning against Falkirk the Thistle squad celebrated on the pitch while wearing t-shirts emblazoned with the words “Kids v Experience”.

Thistle had been written off in some quarters with questions being raised about how a young squad would cope with a hectic fixture schedule and the pressure being applied by an experienced Morton side. The doubters were proved wrong, their questions answered and Thistle’s dreams of returning to the top flight realised.

Despite this success, Partick Thistle have forever been firmly in the shadow of the Old Firm. This is also a shame, as they pride themselves on offering a non-sectarian full-time alternative to the Glasgow green and blue giants. Yet, despite a stadium in Glasgow’s student friendly Westend, the club has never attracted a large support and has flirted with financial disaster many times. Most notably in 1998 when they were only saved from insolvency by the “Save The Jags” fan led campaign.

It seem appropriate though that Thistle’s two biggest victories should be against the two Glasgow sides that constantly overshadow them. As Thistle sing:

“THERE’S A WELL-KNOWN GLASGOW FOOTBALL TEAM;

THEY DON’T PLAY IN BLUE; THEY DON’T PLAY IN GREEN.”

Which is a nice thought, until you remember that Queens Park also play in Glasgow and Partick Thistle don’t think to even mention them even though Queens have far more trophies than Thistle’s poxy two. Not that Jukebox Durie is bitter. It’s just the FACTS and the FACTS don’t sing songs about two teams and ignore the third! Continue reading →

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Andy Todd’s Jukebox Durie presents…a Staggie-ringly quick hat-trick

24 Apr

Don’t forget the Scottish Comedy FC Podcast. Subscribe/download/listen HERE

By Andy Todd (@toddandy)

On 28 November 1964 an 18-year-old boy in Dingwall scored three goals in 90 seconds. The boy, Tommy Ross, played football for Ross County in the Highland League. He scored his hat-trick in a match against Nairn County but it took 40 years before he was officially acknowledged as scoring the fastest hat-trick in the world. Why the delay?

When Ross scored his hat-trick he believed there had to be two official timekeepers for it to stand. On the day of the match against Nairn, the referee was the only timekeeper. For 40 years he could only watch as other men claimed the title of world’s fastest hat-trick. But he was wrong about the need for two timekeepers and, when he finally submitted his claim in 2004, the Guinness Book of Records confirmed he was the fastest. A record that still stands today.

When Ross was interviewed by the Daily Record in 2004 he thought the record would never be broken as modern goal celebrations made it next to impossible to score, kick-off and score twice again in just 90 seconds. He said:

“There was no kissing in those days. When you scored, you just ran back to the halfway line, the captain patted you on the head and said, ‘well done, son’, and you got on with it.”

Yet for all the fame scoring a hat-trick brings to a player, the hat-trick is not a football phrase. A hat trick started in cricket when a hat was awarded to a bowler who managed to take three wickets.

It seems apt then that the team with the fastest hat-trick to their name are also a team based on borrowing from the past. Ross County’s stadium is Victoria Park (now the Global Energy Stadium), named after the team they succeeded, Dingwall Victoria United. Their badge is a stag’s head based on the regimental badge of the Seaforth Highlanders – at the time, their local regiment. But despite their borrowing they haven’t yet got a song to call their own.

On the Ross County message board (OverTheBridge.info) the fans have started a debate about what songs they can add to the Ross County songbook. One fan commented:

“How about a some early ‘Oles’ when we start passing/lumping the ball about?”

Has there been a better description of Scottish football than “Passing/lumping”? I think the no-nonsense Tommy Ross would have approved.

Yet, despite the debate, the fans missed Ross County’s finest (and possibly only) musical moment. In 2010 they defeated Neil Lennon’s Celtic in the semi-final of the Scottish Cup to clinch a place in the final, where they lost 0-3 to Dundee United.

While the semi-final defeat of Celtic is considered their greatest victory sadly instead of a trophy the fans only memento of the final day was this song and the dream that if Ross had been on the pitch to score his hat-trick that day they might have stood a chance.

You can relive the excitement leading up to the final with their song ‘On The Way To Final’:

You can download/listen/subscribe to the Scottish Comedy FC podcast HERE

 

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About the Author
After too many years as season ticket holder at Parkhead, Andy Todd renounced the SPL three years ago to support Queens Park. One team is a rank bunch of amateurs who play in a state of the art stadium and the other is…(I think we can all see where this is going).

Andy has been performing comedy for 18 months but is currently ‘between gigs’ while he writes a book on Scottish property law to be published in Summer 2012. Its potential audience will be less than 300 but his mum will be very proud.

Follow Andy on Twitter: @toddandy

Check out Andy’s website: www.toddandy.com

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